Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen...hamsters & gerbils...kibbles & bits, it's time for somewhat of a more serious post. I know, I hate to be a buzz kill but it had to happen sooner or later. I was actually doing some thinking yesterday (you know, I only do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays). I can't really remember what I was mulling over but I know it had to do with those things that have a penis (men) and those three little words (touch my kitty I love you).
All vagina's around the world sit impatiently waiting for that phrase, you know, the three little words. Yes, we bat our eyes and pout our lips trying to hurry the 'coming of the phrase'. Hell, some of us put so much emphasis on the words that we tend to forget the meaning. I totally just lied, we know exactly what it means and we want you to say it? No, we don't want you to say it if you don't feel it, but why the hell don't you feel it? What if we stroked your nuggets? Would you feel it then? How about breakfast in bed and a 60 minute blow job, could you say it then?
If you were really in love, would you find the balls to spit it out? Is it possible that you are assuming that "I love you" screams "total commitment" and no turning back? Do you think we have you by the nuggets after you say this? Yes, we know...men are not suppose to show their feelings. What about that time when you got teary eyed because the Saints won? What was that about? Oh, that's different. I love you men but damn, sometimes you can make things so complicated. What? Oh yes, I know that women are complicated too but some of us can be that way because of this thing called "vagina". Purr.
Look, I had a guy tell me once that you can't love someone in less than a year. Say, what? I had a dog once that I loved in about two weeks? Oh, it's not the same? What's the difference? You both like it ruff, ruff! (I'll be here all night folks) All joking aside, no less than a year? I feel as if I'm on some kind of love probation. "Yes Queen, you are on love probation for a year and in 365 days we will have your evaluation and decide whether or not you are worthy of being loved". Well, damn. "In the meantime "Ms. Queen", you can just bottle up your little feelings until we can decide if we love you or not. Well, double damn.
Look, if you don't mean it-dammit, don't say it. BUT (huge but) if you do mean it? What the hell are you waiting for, the rapture? We can only emotionally sit still for so long, you know. Damn, I wish blow up dolls could talk. I would be the first in line for a blow up doll that could talk, scratch that...what about a talking dildo? You know, the ones with 8 different speeds and right after you are done, you click the off switch and it says "Good night sweetheart, I love you". Okay, a 6 inch piece of plastic saying "I love you" is a little creepy. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? We're not looking for anything over-the-top or mind blowing. Hell, you can burp out "I love you" forever all we care. It's the fart thought that counts.
So, earlier today I put on my "Inspector Love Gadget" hat and went searching for your reasons. Yes, the reasons that you studder on the "L-L-L-L-Love" word. Take it away, Sam! (who the hell is Sam?)
Reasons Men Don't "I Love You"
1) Don't Be A Titty Baby: It's not what you're thinking. This is not where I preach about how men who love titties are titty babies. Men who love titties are called, Tit Men...just a little FYI. No, this is about how men are conditioned through the years to suck it up and keep going. They are taught to bottle up their feelings and to check out during "share time". Men don't hang out in the locker room saying, "Well, how did that make you feel, Bob?". No, it just doesn't happen. It never has and it never will.
2)It's Too Soon Sally: Men have this thing about jumping the gun. I can't say that I blame them. I mean, what if they let those words slip and then realize that it was a total mistake? You can rewind "I'm in love with you". Hell, some women take this phrase to the bank, literally. As soon as they hear it, they want a ring on their finger, baby names picked out, the white picket fence and a partridge in a pear tree. Okay, all of that minus the partridge. Yes, men would rather take all the time in the world to make sure it's right and meaningful.
3)Macho Nacho Man:Most men do not like whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Hey, they have a reputation to uphold. Some men find that little love phrase extremely pansy and sissiefied. Is that a word? They want to keep their macho manliness. Look, if we let you grab your balls when you do it, would that make it easier? A little Michael Jackson never hurt anyone. Shamone! Who's bad?
4)Rejection Smection: Yes, we know. Not only is it a lot of pressure but there is also that little fear of rejection. Okay, maybe it's a lot of rejection...I think it really depends on the size of the penis.We all know that men are suppose to say it first. That's a big bowl of "holy shit". What if she denies me? What if she gives me a pitty pat and says "Aw, you're so sweet"? What if she doesn't say it back? What if she tells all the guys, their all going to laugh at me. We all struggle with the fear of rejection and this is one time I am glad I don't have a penis. If I were a guy, I would smooth send her a text and say "Do you love me, check yes or no". You know, elementary style.
5) Days Of The Weakness:Yes, I know I mentioned the macho nachoness but I thought this deserved a number of it's own. I think that most men are afraid to show that they are vulnerable and saying "I love you" totally puts you in that category. "Here's my heart, do with it what you will". Some men assume that saying this makes them weak. Look, women will never think you are weak because you spew this, it will only add brownie points to your manliness. Men, on the other hand? Not so much. You are the weakest link, goodbye.
6) Old Yellar:No, "Old Yellar" has nothing to do with anything BUT men sometimes don't want to mention love because they do not want it to lose it's meaning. My question is...how is it going to lose it's meaning if you don't ever say it? Mmm, just food for thought! I'm sorry guys but once a blue moon doesn't cut it. Women need validation, damn us for needing constant reminders. Do you still love me? Okay, just checkin!
7)I Put A Spell On You, Now You're Mine:I don't blame men for thinking that we do voodoo on them after they admit the love thing. Some women go straight bonkers after the phrase and think they have the man by the balls. I said "Some", not "most" and certainly not all. I think we are more apt to put a spell on your if you DON'T say it. Abra-Ka-Dabra! You are getting very sleepy. Anything you say or do could be used against you in a court of law, say what?
8) Suck My Actions: So, you might really love us...you just show it differently right? Oh, humor me. Men aren't not verbal like women are. They seemingly show you that they love you in other ways. It's hard for us women to figure this out. We thought you took out the trash because you enjoyed it. We had no idea you were trying to tell us you..*sniff* loved us. Bless your heart, you get a free blow job tonight! I mean, I'll put it on your tab!
9) That's A Negative On The Love: Yes, this is the easiest one to understand. You totally just don't love us. Here we are head over heels and we just didn' t have you at hello. Is it something that will happen in the near future? Would you actually stay with a girl even though you didn't love her? Must we jump through hoops and sing the ABC's backwards. Well, get out the damn hoops...I've got some jumping to do.
I know, I'm sorry- you thought there was going to be a #10. I actually left that one out so someone could give me another logical reason. I'm not trying to be hard on you guys, you know I have nothing but fruit loops and love for you. It's just the whole "Mars & Venus" thing, ya know? We might not ever figure each other out. I don't think it would be as much fun if we got each other. It's our differences that make it so challenging and mysterios. So, what do you say? Do you love me, yet?
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