I don’t even know where to begin.
I saw Jon yesterday, and everything was going well. Until, I ended up in his hotel room.
First, I couldn’t go in his car because he was worried someone might see us — despite us doing shots and hanging out at the bar right before that. But, it is a valid point. Neither of us need that reputation. But, once I got to his room, everything went downhill from there.
All we did was fight and it started with the fact that he doesn’t believe in wearing condoms. Who has sex these days without one?! Especially when they are not in a relationship with someone!
“I’m not sleeping with you without a condom.”
“Fine. What are you worried about? Getting pregnant?”
“Aren’t you on the pill?”
“No. Plus also worried about STDs. Aren’t you?”
“Hey, I know I’m fine. So, that means you must sleep around.”
“I don’t. So, it’s great that you are fine, but what about all your partners?”
Then we start making out. He clearly knows that I am not going to have sex with him, yet he still tried to do it. And, gets mad at me when I stop him and slide away.
He gets on top of me and starts pleasuring himself. I get mad that he is doing that saying he’s not into me. Then he gets mad at me for getting mad at him, and somehow it starts a crazy fight about how he blew me off in Vegas and how I still don’t understand how he doesn’t use a condom and whether or not he hooked up with the drunk girl in Philly and how other people thought he did.
Jon got super mad and basically told me to leave, and that I was, “a bad idea,” which of course made me feel like shit, and then he went off about how I was crazy and am creating all this drama.
“Wait, you are the one who insists on trying to have sex when I clearly said I didn’t want to, and you are the one who clearly isn’t interested in me if you want to pleasure yourself.”
“How many people did you sleep with in Vegas?”
“I hooked up, but I didn’t sleep with anyone.”
“Why are you fighting with me? Why are you doing this?”
“I don’t know. I push people away. It’s what I do.”
“Well, you’re doing a good job of it with me.”
“I’m sorry. I really don’t want that. I think you’re fun and …”
“Whatever, it wouldn’t work out anyway. I live in California and you live in New York. I don’t know why we are doing this. I knew this was a bad idea.”
“First, I never thought this was more than a hookup and fun. Second, I don’t think distance matters.”
Ok, honestly … I knew he was a jerk from the start. And, the no condom thing really bothers me. And, I shouldn’t be upset with what happened. But, I am for some reason. Maybe, it is because I just wanted something to work out for once.
Maybe it’s because I did kinda like the fact that he lived on the other side of the country and he was a surfer and he was much older and very chill. Maybe it was because he was a safe hook up at the show. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Either way, whatever showmance we had is now over. And, while it wasn’t awkward. Now, it’s going to be.
The thing is, I wish I had the self esteem to not go to his hotel room to begin with. Had I not, none of this would have happened.