When Sexual Fantasies Get...Complicated

4 years ago
On the TV show “How I Met Your Mother,” the character Marshall confesses that he can’t fantasize about another woman without first imagining his wife, Lily, dying of a terminal illness.
I’m pretty much the same way. I can’t daydream about a guy without maintaining the reality that I have young children and a husband. So, I tend to daydream that the fantasy happens 15 years from now, when both my children will hopefully be in college, and my husband will have passed away peacefully of natural causes. Of course in real life, I hope we’ll still be happy and healthy together, but sometimes Mama needs a little “mental masturbation.”

Image: Bryan Brenneman via Flickr


Another complication for me is that I feel uncomfortable fantasizing about a married man. Even though it’s just a fantasy, I feel bad because in real life they’ve made a lifelong commitment to someone. Thus, Christian Bale, Jake Abel, and Sam Claflin are “off the table,” so to speak, since they’re all married. It's especially disappointing about Jake Abel because not only is he hot, he's a good actor, he plays multiple instruments, and he sings. (Check out his Black Magic EP.)

If an actor is dating someone, somehow that’s okay because in 15 years they might have broken up, but I can’t fantasize about a couple getting divorced. That’s a real mood-killer.
I pretend that these dreams are brainstorming for short stories I’m writing, but in fact it’s probably more just to relive something that I likely will never get to experience again: falling in love.
My daydreams are almost always about those first few encounters with someone, where everything feels electric, the chemistry is undeniable and overpowering, and the making out and sex are fantastic. When we first started dating, my husband and I went to see “Before Sunset,” but I can’t say we “saw” it because we had our lips locked the entire time. We used to even make out at lunchtime in the parking lot at work.
Here's the typical scenario for my daydreams: I’ve written a short story or novel that gets adapted to a movie, and I get invited to the set during filming. That’s how I manage to meet handsome young men like Max Irons, Josh Hutcherson, or Nathan Fillion. In the daydreams, I am extremely witty, flirtatious, and full of self-confidence, and of course, they are helpless to resist.
In real life, having young children who get up after bedtime really limits the opportunities to be physically intimate. I hope as they get older, it gets better, but then they'll just stay up later, right? Hiring a babysitter in no way helps. That’s just an extra person around to worry about needing to be super quiet, which honestly, dampens the fun.
Every fantasy is like a fairy tale in that it kind of runs its course, and I’m left with, “And we lived happily ever after.” I tend to feel a little let down then because my real life starts to filter back in, and it’s mostly laundry, groceries, cooking, etc. Then I think of who I was being in the dream, and I remember that I can take steps to be that person now. I just got a guitar for Christmas, so I’m going to take lessons. I’m also planning to learn how to ride a motorcycle this year (much to my husband’s chagrin.) And I’m writing: 31 blog posts this month, plus some short short love stories, many of which are based on these daydreams.
Whom do you fantasize about? Do you have similar ground rules?
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