My Body, My Orgasm, My Choice

5 years ago
This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.

It’s rainy, cold and quiet.  There’s not a towel to fold or a shelf to assemble.  It’s just you and your thoughts.  You made it through a stressful workday, or possibly week…and you really want to have sex tonight.  But you don’t have a honey, or even a potential honey on the horizon.  You contemplate following in the footsteps of Clarke from the classic Spike Lee film, Mo' Better Blues, and settling for some of that “mo’ better.”  "They” say you shouldn’t.

Who are they, you ask?  The easy answer is that “they” are the talking heads that believe sex should be reserved for deep meaningful connections.  "They" are also the carnal evangelists who feel that you should roll up your sleeves, get naked and go for what you know, ready or not.   These are the people who make you question everything you thought you knew about sex, love and relationships.  Once you get past all the voices telling you that you're wrong, no matter what type of sex you may be having, you’re left with the only voice that counts: yours.

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As we have evolved socially, it has become more and more evident that "one size fits all" does not apply to sex and relationships.   Many are moving away from the idea that monogamy is the only path to coupled bliss.  Of course, the "old guard" still holds fast to the old ways.  They’d blame the decline of society as a whole on those who buck against traditional sexual partnerships because it challenges their comfort zone and showcases their fear. When it comes to casual or leisurely sex, much of the apprehension comes from the fear of one person being more invested in the relationship than the other. I hate to break the news to you, but that exact thing can happen in a committed relationship.  A silver bullet, as it pertains to love and sex, doesn’t exist. There is nothing to guarantee that the most recent person you slept with is the last person you will sleep with ever.  There’s also no rule dictating that a casual sexual relationship can’t or won’t develop into something more.  Monogamy is not in jeopardy.  There will always be people who want sexual exclusivity and will fight tooth and nail to hold onto it.

Of paramount importance is being a considerate and honest sexual partner.  If you know that you are only seeking that “meantime mo’ better,” then you would do well to admit that at the outset.  But people, still holding to the old guard’s rationale, are afraid of being honest.  They feel that honesty limits their options.  The truth is that though not everyone wants to be in a relationship, no one wants to feel like they’ve been had.  Rather than forcing what won’t fit out of shame, explore what is possible with the object of your desire.  You’d be surprised by how enjoyable and freeing a sexual experience can be, regardless of relationship or commitment status, when it starts from a place of honesty.

Let’s also get away from living your sexual life for your family, pastor and friends.  Those folks (typically) aren’t there for your sexy times, so stop living according to their preferences and mores.  Nobody has to sleep in your bed but you, so if you can look in the mirror and smile, whether you have known your partner five minutes or five years, it’s no one’s business but your own.  How many times have you firmly disapproved of a loved one’s mate choice, only to have them brush you off and do exactly as the please?  Ask yourself if you can deal with whatever the outcome and extend yourself the same courtesy.

It depends heavily on the situation, though.  The girl who only dates long term may decide that she wants little more than a roll in the sack to clear her head.  The guy who loves them and leaves them may look at a potential partner and decide that they would be better served sitting this one out for a while.  It depends not only on where you are in life, but how you mesh with your potential partner.  So ask yourself, “What is it that I actually want?”  The answer might be, “Something lasting and meaningful.”  But sometimes, when it’s cold, quiet and rainy and you have nothing else to do, the answer to that question is, “An orgasm,” so you slip into that mo’ better to pass the time. And you know what?  There’s not a thing in this world wrong with that.