Lately, I got to thinking about relationships....
You see, I am a 27 (almost 28-yikes!!!) single mother in Jacksonville, FL. Never married. Engaged twice, obviously that never turned into more than wearing that pretty little ring on the index finger after the excitement of saying "yes." Two men who had entered my life, somehow ended up exiting just like that. Poof! After the tears and the questions of "why me?" "what could have changed?", and the infamous thoughts "what did I do wrong?" finally began to pass, life began to move on again. Not as if it hadn't been still moving after those final goodbyes, but during those days, months and sometimes years of a broken heart, time seemed to just stop. And you might be wondering about my sons dad- well that was a relationship that started off hot and heavy, and the result...the beautiful surprise of a baby boy 9 months later.
I began to lately think about why my relationships have failed. Then to think about how others keep their relationships going....to the hot topic on my mind today. What is a true successful relationship?
In today's world, success is defined as "The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted." When people think of the word success, it usually results to having lots of money, 'mula', the 'benjamins', Others define success as great friendships. Others being well-known on Facebook and how many followers on Instagram. Others as a beautiful home. Or being proud parents. But have you ever thought of defining success as a committed, faithful and enduring relationship? Probably not many individuals think about success in that area of their lives. Probably because divorce and failed relationships are so common today, that grasping success in a relationship aspect is quit uncommon. But, really...think about it. What would make a successful relationship? I pondered my past relationships and took down notes about what lacked. what was non existent...what basically ruined it. These key reasons I believe are what is necessary to have a true successful relationship.
1) Communication: Opening up those jaws and speaking to one another. This doesn't mean using spiteful words against him when he leaves his clothes on the ground. Or downgrading her for a mistake she made with the bills. It is about open and loving words- yes, don't get me wrong, there will be days when all you want to do is blast him for his stupidity of letting the dog out the gate, or telling her what a brat she was to his friends at the dinner show. These moments are inevitable. But communication is the importance that binds a relationships together. Asking him or her about their day is key. Most times, you aren't around your partner during the day. each one of you is living a life that has nothing to do with your significant other- either with work, or watching the kids...Talking about even the littlest things such as what you had for lunch or what the baby did ...whatever it is, it is important to always talk to one another.
2)Affection: A hand hold, kiss, hug....all the little triggers that show affection which results with the other partner feeling loved. Affection can even come in forms of roses or chocolate. Or getting him that camera part he needed. All of these little ways have a way of showing the other person that him/her was on your mind. The saying "its the little things" is so true. Just the littlest gesture can mean so much to other person.
3) Trust: I see so many relationships fail because there is the insecurity of one partner to the other. Many times, there hasn't been anything that has happened for this to happen....but the reading of text messages, scoping out his/her computer for evidence...actions such as these show that the underlying reason for this is lack of trust. Without trust, you will eventually tear down the relationship. It is eventually bound to end. Lack of trust has been studied to show that it causes lack of self-esteem, causes anxiety, and causes many arguments. Without Trust, there is no foundation.
4) Long term goals: Now, I know some people say they aren't ready to be serious with someone. I remember those days too...But from a single mom who is ready to be "a taken woman"- You have to be with someone who eventually wants to settle down and "off the market". Sometimes women get with the types of men who they think they can "change" and make them become the type of man who will want to tie the knot. FYI ladies, these men are usually the ones that will always be Bachelors. Never a husband. Be with someone who wants to join you in a committed marriage. I am not saying you have to get hitched after a couple months of knowing each other, just make sure the goal of the relationship is to be joined in marriage in the months, or years to come.
5) Bedroom time: Now, I know all relationships aren't engaging in the act of sex. I am a Christian and a firm believer in the Bible. But I am only human as well. Attraction leads to relationships. Relationships lead to sex. Plain and simple. Just because you arent actin' in it, doesn't mean you hadn't thought about it. Relationships are not stemmed around sex, romance, love making...but I have found it to be an important part. I have seen, heard about and even experienced, relationships fall apart because the lack of importance that sex and romance have in the relationship. I am not saying that you have to jump each others bones every night to make the relationship work. You gotta have that cool down, miss you time. But when you do, make it special and make it important. That saying "wam, bam, thank you mam", seriously, who the hell came up with that? Those individuals saying and thinking that are why they are still single or why that relationship failed. Love making, romance, bedtime experiences are important. Think about the other person and his/her wants and needs. Every woman needs to be romanced and every man needs to be wanted.
Those 5 little things, which are so big in relationships, are what have to be used, shown, given for a relationship to be successful. After 3 failed relationships, yet a beautiful baby boy from one of them (yes I am one of those proud mommas!)...I have come to realize these factors are more important than most people realize. They are the grounds to what holds you and your partner together. You have to have the communication, affection, trust long term goals, and the bedroom time. Without these, you are just setting yourself up for another heartbreak, another "its not you, its me" conversation...or another night alone with take out, a movie and with your puppy.
.....Think about it!
Thanks for reading. :)