What I couldn't figure out was how sex fit into a relationship and how a relationship fits into sex. Since I was 17 years old, sex always came first, and then the relationship. However, it was like pulling teeth trying to get a guy to commit to me. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled with the system.
Then one day I (about a year ago) started watching this tv show, The Millionaire Matchmaker. The woman who hosts the show, Patti Stanger, is a no nonsense woman who lays down the rules to her club, The Millionaires Club, point blank. She has two major rules to dating: there is a two drink maximum and no sex before monogamy. Hearing this was, sadly, revolutionary to me, and I decided to put it to practice with the next guy I dated. It turns out to be easy-peasy to get a guy to be in a relationship with you-- just withhold sex until he commits. But somehow, this left me feeling empty as well, and I'm thinking, Are these guys with me just to have sex?
Image: Ofer Deshe via Flickr
So that leads me to being single again. I made friends with these DJs at a bar and ended up hanging out with them every Sunday night for months. Being that it's a bar late at night, there was obviously some playful flirting going on, and naturally, we talked about sex (likes and dislikes). One Sunday night, the liquor was running extra thick and what do you know, I ended up sleeping with one of the guys. Now here's where things get interesting because that sex was the best, most comfortable, most exciting sex I've had in a long long time. It was better than with both the "sex-first" guys AND the relationship-first guys.
What the heck?!
That's when it clicked suddenly. I didn't want to have sex before being in a relationship because he wouldn't commit. I didn't want to have sex before being in a relationship because of the risk of Oxytocin bonding (whole other topic entirely). Most importantly for me, I didn't want to have sex before in a relationship because I assumed it wouldn't be good!
This new guy and I aren't in a relationship, nor are we even desiring that with each other (in fact, I think he has a girlfriend - whoops). We do basic relationship-building steps though, like taking time to get to know each other. I mean really taking time! We consistently hang out for the sole purpose of just hanging out. Then, we talked about our sexual preferences for a couple of weeks. Then, we finally had sex.
In my last relationship, we hung out a few times, quickly became official, then had sex. Talk about bad sex! Talk about bad everything! We barely knew each other and we definitely didn't know what the other person wanted in bed. We ended up breaking up a week later. Yikes.
Budding relationships need to marinate for a while, like when cooking. The meat and the seasoning need to hang out and get to know each other for a while to achieve the best flavor. The same thing goes for people. We need to just get together and hang out for a good while to achieve the best scenario for sex. Everyone deserves good, comfortable, thrilling sex and this is the key I've found to achieving it.