I have a confession to make.
My name is Loryn, and I do care about how much I weigh on my wedding day.
It took me a long time to write this post for two reasons. First, because I knew it would be in direct contradiction with my last post, where I promised you, the readers, I would be body positive. Second, because it would admit that I care about something that I promised myself I wouldn’t worry about.
A few months ago, I wrote about buying the best dress for my body and loving my body just as it is, no matter what, but I am now admitting that my size on my wedding day does matter to me.
It wasn’t always like this. A few months ago, I was treating myself to a miniature cookie on Easter Sunday that one of my fiancé’s family members had given to us. As I was biting into my delicious cookie, his aunt says to me, “You guys have to be careful. Loryn has to fit in her wedding gown.”
I was infuriated. How dare she comment on my weight! I calmly told her that my weight was my business, and that I’d rather not discuss it with her. I tried not to let it bother me. I was body positive, right? Clearly I could just shrug it off and keep it moving because I was beautiful no matter what.
But the truth is that it DID bother me. I was angry for weeks. After some self-reflection, I realized that while it wasn’t right for her to comment on my weight, I DID care about how I looked on my wedding. I really did believe that it was best if I lost weight for my wedding. And perhaps I took her saying something like that to mean that she was calling me out for not being as disciplined as I should have been.
I started out on the right foot. Back in October, I joined Weight Watchers. I was doing great and ended up losing 10 pounds. Then, I lost my job, moved in with my fiancé and my in-laws, and my routine was completely interrupted. When I finally made it back to a Weight Watchers Meeting, I realized I had gained about 15 pounds over the two months I had been gone. I was frustrated with myself and even more stressed out.
Image: Calvin via Flickr
What if I no longer fit into my wedding dress?
Oh my God, I thought. I am going to be a fat bride. I am going to look like a cow on my wedding day.
I’ve been back at Weight Watchers for a month now, and I’ve been doing everything right, but the scale is moving in the wrong direction. I am working out, eating healthy, and drinking lots of water, and still nothing. I felt like something was wrong with me. Why isn’t the weight coming off like I need it to?
Then I realized something: the more stressed out I feel about losing weight, the harder it will be for the pounds to come down. Every squat I do, every vegetable I eat, is filled with anxiety about whether the scale will reflect my hard work and whether I can keep myself from being a fat bride.
The truth is that it is no way to live. The day before I tried on my dress for the second time, I texted back and forth with another plus-sized bride who got married a few years ago. “I’m so scared I’ll be a fat cow,” I wrote her frantically. “You won’t be a fat cow," she said. “You’ll be beautiful.”
She’s right. The next day, I tried on my wedding dress again at the bridal boutique. I looked even more beautiful than I remembered. What was I worried about? My mother, the fanciest, most beautiful woman I know, was going to do my makeup for my big day. What could possibly go wrong? And not only that, my fiancé, the man who will meet me at the end of that aisle, thinks I am gorgeous, extra weight and all. Nothing can compete with that.
I still wouldn’t mind losing a little weight, but my new goal is not to be a thin bride, but to be a beautiful bride – which is a pretty attainable goal. Losing weight takes time, and I can’t stress out over something that will take longer than the time I have between now and the wedding. I may be fat, but I am beautiful right now, no matter what.
Loryn C. Wilson is a womanist, a writer, an Angeleno, an Aquarian, and a digital strategist living in DC. Her writing has appeared in Campus Progress, Clutch Magazine, and Alternet.
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