Once upon a time I use to be able to burn the candle at all ends. Sometimes I still think I can, but being that I am no longer in my 20's, it's taken me awhile to get into the mentality of, OH yea...I am now in my 40's. It take's some people a little longer, to realize they are actually growing older. I don't look really all that different. Maybe if I actually let my hair gray. like it wants to, I may actually find I look more my age. But I'm not overly anxious to see that! Did I mention that there is a very slight vain side in me. It doesn't come out all that often to play, thank goodness. But I really have no interest in looking at my reflection of a gray haired, middle aged, divorced, country gal. What do they look like anyways? I mean really, very few people I know who are my age, actually are letting there hair go naturally. Everyone dyes or frosts, or bleaches, highlights etc. Right? Really, deep down I know that's an inaccurate statement, and truly, though I may be a country gal at heart, there is a slight side of me that cares to not go gray and stay looking 30 something for a little while longer. I think most of us would safely say that we would rather defy age as long as we can.
With the age change also comes the ability to sleep for 4 hours and function for 10. I use to do it, on a fairly regular basis. Even up until a few years ago, I worked 3rd shift and would clean house, take care of my teenage daughters, run errands and sleep for a few hours here and there. Then get up and go back to work for a 12 hour shift. I look back and wonder how the hell I did it. Was I crazy, running on adrenaline, too much coffee? I think maybe a good combo of all of them. My life was insane, as is with most moms with teenagers. There was a constant battle of balance which got teetered in one direction or the other,very rarely did it ever balance out. But that's life, and we all get through it. I know I look back and wonder how, because the very thought of getting no sleep, when my pillow calls me at 9 p.m., makes me absolutely cringe. When I am tired now, I don't hesitate but listen to my body and head straight down the hall to my waiting pillow and two cuddly cats. I almost always fall asleep instantly, usually within 15 minutes at the very most. I am going to have to assume it's a sign that my life is in a much different space now. Though there is still stress, I have learned to not let it consume me to the point of rendering me laying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours on end. In my older age, a smidgen more wisdom, I have learned that no matter what stressors are awaiting me in the waking hours, I am not going to solve the problem at 2 a.m. Sleep deprivation is not a cure all for figuring out life's mysteries!
As I have entered into many different spaces and changes over the last few years, I have become much more of a morning person. Most mornings I am awake somewhere between 3:30 a.m. and 5 a.m. This has become what I love to think of, as my time. My time to escape the daily routine, to think, ponder, write, create and plan what my day or week, or sometimes even if I am really day dreaming...My life. Where's it going? How am I getting there? What will it look like 5 years from now? You know the big questions. We all have them, no matter what part of life we are in. Mine has definitely undergone some dramatic changes over the last few years and I find myself asking lots of questions, examining my choices, and trying to figure out how to move from here to there.
What's "There"? Where's "There"? I know where I am, and my vision of there, is still blurred. I find myself stuck in the middle of my transition, and am not completely sure of how to move forward. My biggest obstacle 6 years ago was to ask for and get a divorce. After a long, drawn out, agonizing separation the divorce finally happened. Two years ago it was settled, and I went my separate way from my husband of almost 20 years. It was scary, unsettling, but long over due. Now that the hard part, or so I thought, was over. I figured I would just comfortably settle into a new life, and since I no longer really had to consider anyone else, my life would just all into place. Funny, how it really doesn't work that way.
So again, here I am reflecting, thinking, and scribbling my way, at 4 a.m. through the motions of life. Looking back at how far I have come, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that I am suppose to be going towards now. My beautiful gals are grown, they live on their own. They still need their mom, but not like they use to. I have more time to explore my own dreams, wishes and visions. I love that part of my mornings. When I can get up write my heart out without interruptions and consume my day with ideas, plans, and BIG IDEAS. It's fun, exciting, and feels true to my heart. This is my time of the day!
What's your best time to dream, reflect and create? Do you have a favorite place you go to, that brings you serenity and tranquility? What do you dream about? Do you have a wild crazy dream, that you just haven't put in motion yet?
As the conclusion that I have come to in my life, I don't have to have it all mapped out. Having an idea is enough, and the fun of that comes the plans, thoughts and creations to making it happen, one notion at a time. Life comes in increments. Not one big block. If getting to the "There" is meant to happen, it will happen no matter what detours you make. You may get off the path slightly, but if you are following your true self, you will always find your way back to your own inner light.
Find out what is your best time to reflect and nourish your dreams. Make it happen. Everyone needs a little solitude and reflection moments to move through life on purpose. Going through the every day motions without purpose is such an empty space. Give yourself your best time, and spend it wisely with you!
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