Single Abroad: I Don't Want to Be Your Fantasy Tour Guide

5 years ago

Last night I had a dream... Not like the Martin Luther King kind but the 'I-don't-remember-a-damn thing-but-I'm-still-f'cking-freaked-anyway' kind. It must have been around five in the morning when I woke up, just in time for the interrogation from the paranoid part of me, who wanted to know What are you doing?!

I don't know, replied the part of me that defends all possible stupidity.

You agreed to have someone and stay in your house, someone you don`t know, someone you met on the internet? Paranoid Me asked. What would your Blog-Fam of the online-dating community say?

Yes I did, replied Defense Me. And they'd probably say it wasn't the best scenario, or advise against it, and in normal circumstances they'd be right. But I do this all the time -- I have bed and breakfast guests, I have couch-surfers here, and generally I don't sleep with my guests, and I wouldn't be sleeping with this one either.

But this is different, Paranoid Me responded. This is like a date thing -- what if he thinks you're going to put out? Or even worse what if you really dislike each other and then what? Ugh! So uncomfortable.

But I'm not... and I don't know, Defense Me tried to explain. I am trying to be cool, I can't freak-out too much over it. Chances are he won't show, it's been awhile since we talked. There was only the text on my cell a few days ago that I initiated to see if he still was thinking to come and he replied: "I'd love to come if it's ok with you" and that he'd confirm Wednesday. This happens all the time. They have second thoughts, make up some excuse and cancel. Anyways I don't know what I have to do. I can't win. There is no one around here I want to go out with. They are sleazy, pushy and agressive and I am tired of their phoney, generic, sexist-asshole, bottom-feader behavior. Anyone from outside this little Italian town is interested enough to come meet me -- how should I handle it?

Paranoid Me couldn't argue with that. Of course, at this point, I was wide awake. I wondered -- maybe I just need to stop this madness altogether, it's all so disappointing! I re-wrote my profile to be all witty and fun, with super-hero references to at least inspire some decent, amusing conversation but the guys around here are too dense to get it -- or maybe they'd just prefer that I post a video with canned whipped cream and cherries over my breasts instead, and fall down a lot throughout. Oh, they'd love that.

Ha ha ha, funny... now bring in the clowns.

If that weren't enough, all that the foreigners here want is a freaking tour guide in stilettos when they come for their summer vacation. Hire a hooker instead! You'd have more fun.

Fantasy tour of Cava de' Tirreni, featuring no-strings, no-pressure temptress with encyclopedic knowledge of the city and eight-inch heels.

Here's a message from an American I just got -- likely a cut and paste with a little extra tweaked, original content. Lucky me. It says:

Your photos and profile captured my attention and I want to introduce myself. My name is Vacation-man. I find you exceptionally attractive and would like to get to know you better. I love to travel and plan to visit Italy in the spring or summer for a week or two.

I am seeking some new and exciting adventures, great laughs, engaging conversation (a must-have), and a no-pressure attitude. And I want to do those things with a woman that I find alluring and stimulating. Would you like to be my tour guide?

Two things: 1. My super power is the ability to hold highly-concentrated acid in my hands with no ill effect (weird, but very true).
2. Plan on wearing you highest heels. You will need them when you get that irresistible urge to kiss me after succumbing to my deadly charm.

The animal attraction was not exactly permeating from his photo -- and he thinks can get to know me in a week, while I show him the ruins of Pompeii in heels and explain why mozarella di bufala is special and also really good cheese? NO PRESSURE! For him, that is. Obviously he is the one on a no-stress holiday, on the arm of someone he gets to snog with no strings attached. Meanwhile, I'm navigating ruins in stilettos and serving up facts.

I am undoubtedly just as well in my cute, flat, non-crippling shoes and I don't need to wear four-inch heels just to impress a man that according to his profile: "Is not looking for anything serious." Perhaps I am being too harsh and over-sensitive due to reading the same boring, generic, auto-pilot eye-roll lines in every e-mail, and hearing the same complients from every creep that approaches me while waiting for the bus.

In addition, the good photos on my profile? It's all relative -- I am really just average in the looks department and I am totally cool with that (as I clean up pretty GOOD). In all honesty I'd rather be told I was simply funny, smart, and/or nice (and maybe worthy of a leap over a tall building).

That would be refreshing, worth a date, and perhaps even a leap of faith. Is it so much to ask to want to share this place with someone who wants me as more than just a passing entertainment?

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