So this week I was once again playing Sherlock Holmes on the internet armed with my question of the day: how long do you make a man wait to have sex? Now, it should go without saying that the RIGHT person will wait however long is necessary if they are really interested in you. Likewise, if you choose (I’m not judging) to get busy on your first date (I did this once and we were together for 6 years) then the right person will stick around as well. However, it should also go without saying that even the right man will have his own needs, agenda and time table for what is right for HIM. You wait too long, he may lose interest. You give it up to quickly, he may lose interest.
Oh my. What a conundrum this is, yes?
Ideally, I’d like to say that I plan on waiting until my wedding night before doing the deed for the first time. But I’m not about to insult you by lying. Being a 30 + year old woman is the equivalent of being a vulture in a desert. Your appetite is ravenous, especially when an acceptable pray is within your sights. (I’m so for serious). Not to mention, not only is intimacy (not just sex) an important part of a relationship but healthy and compatible intimacy is a critical part of a relationship. Once we’ve established that we’re compatible, are looking for the same thing, and are mutually interested in pursuing similar relationship goals with each other, than intimacy should be a welcome addition to the relationship.
The other day I was surfing the internet and came across an article that says you should wait at least 6 months before you have sex with someone. I’m embarrassed to say that my first thought was, WHAT THE HELL FOR? Even Steve Harvey is only suggesting you wait 90 days. I admit, I kinda tuned out after reading that but I read enough to get that their suggested waiting time had more to do with societal standards and etiquette than anything substantial. Truth be told, you could wait for 6 months to have sex with someone and realize that either #1 the sex is awful and/or #2 you still don’t know enough about them to have sex.
In my opinion waiting should have less to do with the how (long you wait) and more to do with the what (you need to know before you do the deed). Artisan219, one of the commenters on the article wrote, “Sex can be casual, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s harder to turn a wild night into an actual relationship…. casual sex is comparable to a firecracker instead of a candle. You light it, it burns, it pops, and now it’s done…. To go the distance in a relationship, both of you have to be moving in similar directions in life.” Touche and well said my friend. So no, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, as long as you know everything you need to know before you make the decision.
So this got me to thinking, what do I need to know before I decide to be intimate with a man. Of course, I’m anal enough to make a list (no pun intended). However, once I sat down to make my list it really made me think about. Probably more so than if I were in the heat of the moment and willing to go for it and say to hell with the consequences. My suggestion to both men and women (even though I don’t know a man who is going to do this..lol) make your own list before you meet someone new and start digging them. That way you’re still in a position to be objective.
- As Lil Wayne so poetically sings, “What’s your real name, and not your stripper name?”: This should be a no brainer but sometimes, especially when social media is involved, people think they know someone better than they do. So they forget to ask the most basic questions. What do you do for a living, do you have kids, have you ever been married and why (when) did your last relationship end? These shouldn’t be asked in a succession of questions as no one, especially men, likes to feel like they are being interrogated. These things should easily be revealed over several conversations. Everyone has a past but if a potential love interest isn’t ready to open up about some basic yet important details of their life, then they probably aren’t ready to open up to you period.
- Know what THEY are looking for and make sure they know what YOU are looking for.: I hate to call women out but we are NOTORIOUSLY famous for ignoring this and then being salty when we find out that we were “just a friend”. Going with the flow is for high schoolers. If your love interest doesn’t know what they are looking for and what they want you’re going to waste a lot of time waiting for them to figure it out. And that is not to say when they do, you will be it. Likewise, if you are afraid you are going to run them off by saying what you want, don’t be. Let them run if what you’re saying is to much for them. Don’t be afraid to lose a potential suitor for the right suitor.
- Are you seeing anyone else? : Now this may or may not be a deal breaker for some people, but don’t get caught off guard thinking you’re the only one when you’re one of many. If a man or a woman is dating multiple people, it’s for a reason. They have yet to find a reason to exclude everyone else and focus solely on you (emotionally or sexually). Know your role so you can decide how to proceed appropriately.
- Would I leave them alone in a room with my children, friends or family?: Now, this is a tricky one so pay attention. Just because you know and like someone does NOT mean that you have to bring them around your loved ones right away. ESPECIALLY your kids. You can take your time and introduce them when the time is right for everyone involved. But if you’re still trying to figure out if they are even worth introducing then chances aren’t they aren’t important enough to sleep with.
- Where and how do they live?: You can tell a LOT about a person by just observing them in their natural habitat. I once found out that a guy I was dating had a girlfriend…that he LIVED with. I came over for a sleep over and as I was sitting at the breakfast table waiting for him to finish his shower I noticed several pieces of mail (it was in clear view) addressed to a woman. His woman. 0_o Another guy I went on a date with invited me in after our movie date, but before our drinks so he could change his shirt. Imagine my horror when I had to climb over clothes, bags of garbage and watch him move pots and pizza boxes from his ironing board just to iron his shirt. If I may be cohabiting with you in the future (even if its distant) I need to know that you aren’t cohabiting with anyone else and/or preparing to be on the next episode of hoarders.
What would you add to the list? What should you know BEFORE you decide to be intimate with a new paramour? Sound off! I wanna know! :)
The Mistress of All Things Fabulous