I think I am feeling a little less sad, but maybe more stupid. Stupid because I had some super significant reasons for not staying in my marriage but missing it none the less. I also have many reasons to miss it. I don't want my heart to overrule my head or vice versa. He called me yesterday and we had a good talk. It got a little pg-13 or R rated while revisiting some intimate times in our past together. Of course it made me miss him even more. I seem to have forgotten the many reasons I could't stay. I want to just throw them out and do whatever I can to make him come back. Stupid. I know. But is it? What if it is supposed to be and we just needed a break from some huge obstacles and some time to see how much we meant to each other? What if he is my destiny? I feel so confused. Why? I made my decision. I believed it was the right thing to do for myself and my children. Is questioning that decision just silly? I want whatever goes on to be God's plan and for him to bless it but I don't know what that is. It feels like I am still his wife. Is that normal or just stupid. I am hoping time will create some clarity. I pray that God shows me some distinct direction and a definite answer. I need for my ex to come to me and tell me what he has done to rectify the gambling and other things. I would need concrete evidence of change. So, do I tell him that and see if he can do that? Or is that "fixing" things and not letting things evolve as they may? I know right now I want nothing more to be wrapped in his arms. If he lived closer I think I would have already called him to come over. Thank heavens for 700 miles between us. It still doesn't begin to make things easier though. I miss him. I see him do so much good for other people and I wonder why he couldn't do that for me. Why he didn't do that for me. Am I just "sick" and willing to settle for so little when I give so much more. But we were married. Did I give up to soon. Was I to concerned with the little things. If I had more faith in God and his ability to take care of me could I have been more gracious to a husband who wasn't ? I do so wish I had the answers. Help me Lord. Help me either move on or bring him back. I want to be in your Grace. I want Your blessings and peace in my life. I Pray you will help me.
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