7-year-old: “Mom, what is sex?”
Mom (thinking back through the last seven years, and finally, shrugging): “I have NO idea.”
By Sherry Daniels, Ascend Counseling/Susan Graham
Do any of these confessions sound familiar?
‘I can’t remember the last time we went on a date.’
‘My husband and I seem more like roommates than a married couple.’
‘When I look at our bed, I don’t think ‘sex’, I think ‘how many more hours left before my head hits that pillow.’”
So here you are, with newly found time and energy, wondering how to reignite the spark you and your husband shared in the beginning. Awesome! Now what?
PLAY TOGETHER: Literally. Go out and have fun! What were some of your favorite activities when you were dating? Perhaps:
v Snow skiing, sledding
v Hiking nature trails
v Visiting flea markets
v Bike rides
v Competitive sports
v People watching, bird watching
v Fly kites
v Explore a city you haven’t been to
v Go bowling, dancing, roller skating, golf
v Go on a picnic
You get the idea. Couples tend to get so serious about the business of being grown-ups that they forget to play together. Make a list together and plan weekly dates. (Even if getting out on a date is difficult, you can still make connection dates in your own home by committing to a time with each other. Turn off the phones and TV, grab your favorite beverage, find a quiet spot and let the kids know that they cannot interrupt unless it requires speed-dialing 9-1-1.) For more dating ideas, see 58 Years.
PEN HIM IN: Make a date for sex--no cancellations, no excuses. This may sound a little anti-romantic but the planning and anticipation is actually very romantic and very exciting. Give your husband little reminders that you are looking forward to your date.
v Sext him
v Leave love notes
v Take a selfie (self-photo) for him only
v Send him flowers
v Start a love story, adding a paragraph and passing it back and forth
NO WORRIES: Please don’t let insecurity about post-baby changes in your body keep you from intimacy. Over and over again, I hear the same refrain from men: Sensuality and sexuality have nothing to do with the perfect body. Looking sexy comes from within, an aura of desire, confidence and making your partner feel like the sexy one. Want to feel more sensual/make your partner feel sexy?
v Flirt (flit your hair, bat an eye, whisper in his ear)
v Wear something sexy
v Wear nothing at all
v Dance for him
v Play truth or dare
v Go parking
v 30 second kisses and hugs
v Massages, foot rubs
v Feed each other, make a rule you can’t feed yourself. Try it in bed.
v Act out a fantasy
START OVER: When we are young, sex is great with little or no thought, but as we age, sex changes. This is a two way street because men’s testosterone level begins to drop starting in their early 30’s. The changes can become a great equalizer as men naturally take more time in the bedroom. So talk about sex from a fresh perspective. Be silly. Be sexy. Be wild. Experiment.
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER ALL OVER AGAIN: I know, we are parents. Parents talk about kids. And money. And job security. And household chores. But is that really all there is to life? (If you’re stilling trying to answer this question, the correct answer is a definitive: no!) When was the last time you really gave each other time to hear your deepest stressors, longings and dreams? Having an intimate conversation—now, that’s romantic. Topic ideas:
v Newest fantasy
v Bucket list
v Strangest dream
v Dream vacation
v Answer this: I never… (or) I always wanted to….
v Describe a perfect day
v What do you like most/least about yourself
v A powerful childhood memory
v Deepest worries/greatest satisfaction
v Secret ambitions
Sherry Daniels is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing individual, couples and family therapy since 1994.