Ramblings of a Broken Heart

8 years ago

It’s been ten months since I first saw you and started feeling something for you. Eight months since I first started hurting for you. Two months since we became an item, a couple, a happy twosome. Three weeks since I started to think that something was going horribly wrong. Two weeks since I’ve given up on us. One week since I’ve felt empty on the inside—because you’re not there anymore.

During all of this, there hasn’t been one day that I haven’t thought of you. You have been a constant in my life since that fateful day when our eyes met and I knew I would never be the same. If I had known then, the pain you would put me through, I would have turned and walked away in an instant. If I had known what you really were, I would have never trusted you like I did. If I had known the way you would act—so cowardly and low—I would have never let you in. But I didn’t know. You were everything that was pure and beautiful and perfect and I adored you for it.

I still don’t understand how you managed to deceive me so wholly. Maybe it was partially my fault. Maybe I was so ready to believe in the good in you, that I forgot to keep my eyes opened. I thought I knew you. I thought you were different. I thought that you were the one who would make it all better, simply because you could. You turned out to be worse than all the rest of them. To this day, I still can’t believe the way you have acted. I can’t believe you had no courage to tell me the truth, no compassion to care for my feelings, no mind to think of how much you must be hurting me, and worst of all no respect for me. I don’t know what hurts worse. Thinking that I knew you, when you turned out to be so much less than I thought, or thinking that you should have known me better. That you should have known what your behavior would do to me, that you should have seen the girl standing in front of you for what she really was, and that you should not have played with her heart so mercilessly, because she deserved better than that.

Then again, these are only words. Why should you care for someone who has wasted so much time on you? Why should you care for someone who has been nothing but honest to you? Why should you care that you have caused endless pain and innumerable tears? Why should you worry if you broke the heart of the one person who would have done anything for you? All you really cared about was yourself and how this would all affect you. Not once did you stop to think about the consequences of your actions. You got what you wanted, and it turned out you didn’t want it so much. End of story. Plain and simple. Why look for a reason? Why try to understand the meaning behind what you were really feeling? Why pain yourself with the extra burden of telling me that this wasn’t what you’d expected?

I hate you for it. I hate you for making me believe in love, only so you could take that belief away once more. I hate you for making me trust you, only so you could make me fall harder than I ever had. I hate you for letting me see something in your eyes that wasn’t really there. I hate you for treating me like I was nothing but a passing moment. I hate you for breaking my heart. I hate you for tearing my self-esteem to pieces. I hate you for being so God damn irresponsible. I just hate you. And in all this hate, there isn’t one particle of love left. Just bruised ego and hurt pride.

We could’ve been perfect. Just you and me. Easy. Simple. I guess you never wanted that. I don’t know what you wanted, honestly. And I wish I could say that I wish for you to find it. But I can’t. I’m still too hurt to wish you well. I want to see you suffer the way I’m suffering. I want to see you repent and crawl your way back to me, just so you can see how it feels when it all goes down and the person who you believed in most steps all over you. I could have loved you endlessly. Instead, I have to forget you and move on and hopefully learn to love all over again. Because I still have plenty of love to give—I just have to find someone who deserves it and who will really appreciate it. You… I don’t know what you’ll find. Somehow, I think you’ll never feel love. You’ll never feel that rush that comes when you look into someone’s eyes and see yourself reflected there and know that that’s the one place you want to be forever. You’ll never have the courage to love. And although I wish I could say that I feel sorry for you, I really don’t.

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