Rainy days

5 years ago

So, here I sit trying to think up something to blog about for my class assignment.  I don’t really feel like doing anything other than burying my head under the covers and going back to bed.  However, my two year old daughter Bella insists that we play tea party.  Here I sit with my tea cup in hand in a Dora the Explorer chair that is much too small for me.  She asks me for the hundredth time since last Sunday, “where is DaDa?”  I answer for the hundredth time, “he is staying with his mommy.”  It appears that I have followed in my mother’s footsteps and will be a single parent. After a really bad blow up between the two of us last Sunday, I told him to leave.  I have been with him for 11 years, since I was just 15 years old and he 17, still in high school.  We would have been married for 7 years in November.  The argument was over NOTHING, a stupid remote control????  He lost his temper; I lost mine, hurtful words were exchanged and the next thing I know I am looking through the yellow pages for a divorce lawyer.  Is this how life is supposed to be?  I am afraid, not the “I am woman, hear me roar, feminist gal.”  I am alone, and I don’t know what to do.  He called me fat ass, I called him dumb ass.  I feel like his insult was much worse than mine.  What man living today does not know that he can never ever make a remark regarding his wives ass or weight???  He is a dumb ass!!!  Truthfully, this has been coming on ever since our daughter was born.  It’s not her fault, we both adore her.  We have never learned to incorporate “us” time into our lives.  My world revolves around my daughter.  I think he is jealous even though he would deny this until his deathbed. 

I no longer like my husband.  I still love him, but is this just out of habit?  Is it easier to just be unhappy than to try and fix the problem?  How do I figure out what the problem is, what if it’s just me?  We fight over money, who spends the most, who makes the most, etc.  We fight over who does the most housework, ME….We fight over who has the primary responsibility of childrearing…ME.  I guess I am resentful of his carefree life while I have to do everything!!!  What should I do?  He has apologized, begged to come home, and I want him to come home.  I think that I am trying to be the strong, independent woman but what if I do need him.  Does that make me the weaker sex and does it even matter?  Enough of this erratic, pity party blog, my tea is getting cold and my Pringles cookies are beckoning to me.

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