Psychological Needs in Hetero* Marriages

5 years ago

Everyone has needs. Emotional needs, phsyical needs, psychological needs. All kinds of things that make us feel like "us" and make us happy. Loving yourself and taking time out to do things you enjoy fulfill some needs that no one can, but in doing this the past month or so I have felt there is something missing. I have felt... not a lack of closeness to Shawn, but an increase in distance for sure. We are not "growing apart" or being distant but we are simply there at home, expecting things to be amazing and different because we're married. It is amazing being married to your BfF but I have missed the special connection I felt to Shawn that made me giddy when we first met. It's not missing or gone, it's just changed. It has grown along with us and now it is different. Just like how a child we will someday create will grow and change many times, becoming simply different.

What is missing, for me, is the way I show my husband how I support him and how I feel about him as a man. In between doing things I enjoy like teaching crochet before going home after work and cooking dinner, I have become very focused on what kind of woman I am. This is important to figure out, but I have time. I have an idea of what I want to be, too so that's a headstart.

So it has occurred to me I spend too much time focusing on what I do rather than what I express. Sure I think all these things about Shawn below, but I never tell him. Not like I should. Not like I need to be told how he thinks of me as a woman...

Men are "doers" and Women are "thinkers." Generally. And I HATE to generalize especially in the case of people, but this is mostly true. Men focus in on one thing at a time intellectuallly while women take it all in and digest it emotionally. This wires us differently thus causing our needs to be met differently.

Men need intellectual affirmation. They need to know how you feel. You cannot simply mentally obsess over your man a la Anne Boelyn and expect him to read your mind or assume the you feel a certain way about him.

They really need to know you trust them, for starters. Trusting your man to go to the gym alone when you don't want to go (or because you already did) shows him you know he loves you enough to do what he says.

Men left with the responsibility to do the right thing will; if they do not, they are boys.

And if you do go to the gym with him, just because you catch hottie McAbs-Abs eying him dosen't mean he will ever give her a thought simply because you gave her one.

Trusting your man includes letting him go when he says "I'm fine" to your "What's wrong?"

If he doesn't want to share it he can obviously handle it himself, so trust him to do so. If he needs your help or it concerns you, he will ultimately come to you because you have shown him you're there. That is all he needs.

If you're parenting, trusting your spouse to care for the baby when you have been doing the main caregiving during the day can be difficult. Just because they do something different doesn't mean it's wrong... you may learn from the way your partner does it! Trust them!

There are lots of other ways you can show your partner you love them and that you think they are a good person. Trust is the one I feel everything is based on, however. If you can't trust someone enough to let your guard down, who will keep watch of it when you can't? Trust and be trusted.

*I chose to aterisk "Hetero" because of the language I used here like "husband" and "wife" instead of "partner." Trust applies to every relationship!!!



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