the Perfect Man

3 years ago
I was an addict. I was addicted to the way Woo made me feel. There was no room in my heart for another man and it was my own fault. I needed to really give the next guy I date a chance. I needed to cut back how much I talked to Woo; a few times a week, how often we texted; almost daily. I thought that communicating a little less would do the trick. 
I was having zero luck with the guys I went to college with, worked with, and met in bars or wherever. That left one thing, online dating. Eharmony was having a 4 day special where you could chat with people for free; I was too broke to actually get a subscribed account which meant I had a very small window of opportunity. Everybody I liked showed zero interest in me except one guy, Mike. I thought he was cute but I wasn't super attracted to him. 
He responded to my messages, we talked for a couple of days, and had exchanged numbers. He was an army veteran in school to become a cop. Mike was sensitive and funny. I figured he seemed like a really good guy. 
He had/has such a beautiful heart. He let me into his world. I met his mom and sister and even went to his niece's baptism. I loved feeling like I was an important part of his life. 
We had decided to have Monday date nights, between me working long days and his crazy shifts this was the only day we could spend more than a few hours together. One of the date nights fell on Valentine's day, he was so sweet and bought me roses. Mike was the first guy to ever buy me roses, ever, I was 22 years old. Another Monday date night I had finally decided to introduce Mike to my friends, we all decided to go to bar that was all of a 4 minute walk from my house. We got drunk, real drunk. 
Back at the house in my bed, Mike and I were talking about us and I has asked him why he hasn't tried having sex with me yet, we had been dating for a little more than a month. He replied he hasn't had the opportunity, he did that night and he took it.  The sex was good, still no orgasm. It didn't matter though, he made me feel good about myself and who I was. He took care me.  He bought me the most beautiful pearl and diamond ring with a white gold band, I loved it. I never took that ring off until I was forced to. 
After a couple of months, he gave me a key to his place. Of course I loved it, but for all the wrong reasons. We were taking the steps forward in our relationship, steps I had always wanted to take. I just didn't realize I shouldn't be taking them with him. 
Mike and I did have great times together. We had sex on the kitchen counter one night before I could even finish cutting myself a slice of ice cream cake. I even let him 'arrest' me and handcuff me to a night stand. The arrest was hot and sexy and definitely turned me on, but the handcuffs I found distracting. I even wore this awesome outfit for his bday. 
When we went out with my friends he was amazing. He'd drive us to the bars without question, keep the creepy guys away, and was sweet to my friends. He really did seem perfect. 
But at the end of the day, something still didn't feel right, I tried talking to him about it, it didn't give me any further clarity and probably made him concerned about him and I. And it didn't help Woo was giving me advice. Who knows how much of that advice was to actually help me.
 I stayed with Mike thinking, he is such a good guy he deserves a shot but in reality, I really just wanted it to work out so I wouldn't be alone again. Being single was becoming painful. Seeing my friends with their boyfriends depressed me and hearing the people at work talk about being in love literally brought me to tears on a drive home one night. So much of Mike and I seemed like we should fit together but i think it was Woo that stopped me from letting the pieces fall into place. One night we had such a huge fight about me talking to Woo, I was letting him turn the crack in my relationship into a crater, I left Mike on a corner, outside some bar. He really did deserve better. I shared so little of myself with him, the only window he had to my soul was through my tears and I never cried. 
After several weeks of analyzing my relationship I knew Mike and I weren't going to work. He was a perfect example of how a man should treat a woman, but you can't force chemistry and passion.  He deserved someone who loved him, not someone who just didn't want to be alone. I broke up with him and cried for two days after. And the crazy thing was, he was so sweet to me, comforting even after I broke his heart and after he told me he loved me maybe a week before. 
He said I would regret it. I don't know if I can say I'm 100% ok with the decision I made to this day. He had several of the qualities I always wanted but the passion and chemistry between him and I wasn't giving me the feelings i wanted. He had it for me but I didn't have the same feelings towards him, I wanted to want him more. After Woo I knew what chemistry was and Mike deserved to find that too. 
But being completely honest, it wasn't only the lack of my passion and chemistry that caused me to break up  Mike, another reason was name was Billy. After working at the same country club for 3 years I hadn't really noticed him. He was usually gone by the time I got there until I was promoted to supervisor. Getting to work a couple of  hours earlier showed me the sexy fitness trainer with curly shoulder length hair, who was a lean and toned marathon runner. He was also 14 years older than me and I did not care. 
I developed a crush on him quickly. This shouldn't have been happening, I was with Mike. But Billy was sweet and charming. I used my knee to talk to him; I had surgery on it and needed good tips so I could continue running. I never used a single suggestion he told me lol I would find reasons to be in the same room as him. He had no clue I wanted to date him. I was so obvious that country club members pointed out how Billy and I were together a lot. My friend talked me into asking him out. I just about crapped my pants when I asked him, he replied he was super busy but really wanted to go out with me. I never mentioned it again, at least not directly. By the way, I was single when I asked him out. He asked me out 3 weeks later.  Our first date was awkward and nervous and poorly timed, I was going home and seeing Woo. That actually made no difference, we had two more amazing dates. Of all 3 dates we went on, he never kissed me.  On our last date I was distracted. At that time, it didn't realize it was the love of my life stealing my attention from Billy. 


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