Yesterday, while watching one of Allstate's amazing and super funny mayhem commercials, I had an epiphany: penises are ugly. I mean, really, when's the last time you saw a bumper sticker or t-shirt that said "penises make me smile," or saw a commercial with a woman looking at a man's penis like just the very sight of it is making her wild with desire? You haven't, because penises are ugly.
Put a good-looking, big-breasted girl in a low cut top jogging down the road, and watch the men drool all over themselves and almost get in accidents as they rubberneck to get a better view. Let a man wear something that shows half their penis or scrotum, and see what kind of response that gets. Let him wear a short pair of running shorts with no underwear, with the package playing peek-a-boo as he runs ... the women may be looking, but not for the same reasons.
Jordon Nemits, image via Hottest Bod in the World.
Penises are, however, very interesting. There are little ones, big ones, skinny long ones, short fat ones, curves to the right or left, circumcised and uncircumcised penises, all as unique as their owners. Then there is the scrotum, a whole other beast which usually is uglier than the penis. We haven't even gotten into pubic hair and grooming yet, and how that varies.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a heterosexual woman in my mid-thirties with a healthy sex drive, but that doesn't mean I want some stranger's penis wagging at me on the street, or to have their balls on display for my inspection while I eat in a restaurant. I could see it now, some man flirting with me from across a crowded room ... he spreads his legs, oh so provocatively, to bear his clean-shaven scrotum and expose the head of his penis, knowing I will soon be his -- NOT! Why? Because while us heterosexual woman want and need our man's penis, we don't fantasize about how it LOOKS, the curvature, the vein protruding from one side; we fantasize about how it FEELS.
They may be ugly, but we women love them all the same. In closing and on behalf of women everywhere, I leave you with these simple requests: (1) Wear underwear when jogging or wearing anything shorter than your ball sack when you sit or stand; and (2) If your pubic hair is longer than your penis, get a weed-whacker. You don’t want hair on your plate when you eat ... neither do we.
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