- Are you panicked about keeping up with your own life?
- Do you spend time poring over calendars trying to figure out ‘how to make it all work?’
- Do you feel like everything in your life is barely held together with tape and glue?
- Have you felt like you have zero down-time for yourself?
- When is the last time you had a date with your husband?
Many women report feeling exhausted and burned out by the demands of orchestrating work and family life. Soccer practice, tutoring sessions, last minute meetings, and domestic chores eat away the precious minutes of the day. Though most mothers manage to keep all of the plates spinning, there is one thing that suffers: sexuality. Many busy mothers describe their husband’s wish for sexual intimacy as ‘just one more person who wants a piece of me.’
In this culture of hyper-parenting and extreme busyness, sexuality is now regarded as an indulgence. In becoming a luxury, sexuality has become exclusive to birthdays, anniversaries and vacations. While anniversary and vacation sex has its appeal, it begs the question: can a woman be truly happy if she’s not consistently sexually active?
The loss of sexuality has significant repercussions. The obvious consequence is the threat that it poses to the marriage. In the absence of sexuality, marriage is a legalized friendship. A sexless marriage is often brittle, fragile and fraught with anxiety. Women who sublimate their sexuality into excessive busyness are also denying themselves hedonistic pleasure. The pursuit of orgasm is one of the purest, most primitive pleasures in life.
I’m in the process of writing a book titled ‘Over-Scheduled and Under-Sexed: How Busyness is Destroying Your Marriage.’ This book is born out of the fact that 99% of the couples that seek my help have sexless marriages. Many of the wives in these couples are stellar mothers, pillars of their communities, and distinguished in their field. Their kids are involved in sports, academics, and community service. Their husbands are kind and handsome. On paper, these women have ‘perfect’ lives. Yet these women report having no desire for sex.
In writing this book I’m looking to answer the following questions:
- Does the strain of raising families, working, and running a household leave a woman with no energy for hedonistic pleasure?
- Is excessive busyness a symptom of an empty and cold marriage?
- Is low libido actually a symptom of low-grade depression?
- Once a marriage becomes sexless, how likely is it that intimacy can be rekindled?
- Are husbands complicit in sustaining the excessive busyness that ultimately extinguishes their marital sex lives?
- How can a wife and mother sustain her libido? And, does it matter?
As I write this book, I welcome questions and suggestions from my readers. If this topic resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. Please email me at:email@example.com. All correspondence will be confidential. Thanks in advance for your help.
Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D.