The Wall Street Journal recently ran an article by Elizabeth Bernstein titled "How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?" I truly believe this is a great read that raises some interesting points but I must admit that when I read a write up about the article on the Huffington Post the other night I was highly critical of the piece.
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If you are an avid reader of my blog you know that I am very open when discussing sex. I am fortunate to have a great sex life and I am crazy enough to share it with the world. Many women and men have written me, thanking me for talking about sex, giving them the courage to go get some from there husbands and/or wives and praising me for giving married sex a voice. I have also received some nasty emails from women, mainly mothers, who scold me for openly discussing my sex life and shaming me for being a mother who talks the way I do.
Talks the way I do...I am not sure what exactly that is supposed to mean, but I have interpreted to mean that I am in some way being dirty and pornographic, to which I say, you are so, so wrong.
A month or so ago I wrote a piece for The Epistolarians where I tackled the taboo of sex in the momosphere. Sex is something we all should be having. If you are not, you are only holding out on yourself. Nothing relieves stress or gets you out of a funk better than an orgasm. Sex isn't some dirty, pornographic thing that mothers should be secretly desiring while sitting at their desk at work or while folding a load of laundry. Sex is a natural part of being a human being, not some x-rated act that only whores perform. Sex is what keeps the human race going and what keeps many of us sane.
Talking the way I do is in no way a disgusting or shameful. I truly believe that I talk about sex in a respectful manner. I do not in any way think that me openly discussing an orgasm or blow job is something that is pornographic in nature nor is it something that I should be shutting my mouth about because I am a mother. Those that have written to me, thanking me for giving sex a platform in the momosphere are women who may not be as open or outspoken as I am and by me writing what and how I do, I have given them a voice, courage and help for their own sex lives. If talking the way I do is offensive to you, then please, by all means, stop reading my blog. I am in no way forcing you to click on a link, I am not forcing you to stay on my page so I can forcefully shove the words sex, orgasm and blow job down your throat. You choose to come to my blog and you have the choice to leave and not read the smut (as some of you have called it).
Women and mothers are allowed to enjoy sex without feeling shamed and dirty. Women are allowed to have an active sex life, experiment and enjoy the pleasure, closeness and fun that comes along with it. Sex is not a shameful act. It is not something that should be banned from the momosphere. It is not some dirty deed that only dirty girls perform. I am not sure why or when sex became such a don't go there topic but it has.
When I first approached The Big Guy with the idea that I would openly discuss sex, I wasn't sure he would be on board with the idea or not. If he wasn't, I would 100% respect his feelings and not discuss it. But he was 100% fine with me talking about it, as long as I did it in a tasteful and/or humorous way, which I believe I do. I do not talk about each and every time we do the deed. Just like any other writer, I pick and choose what I write about, how much detail I give and I try, like any topic I write about, to leave you, the reader with a laugh, an insight, or a helpful dose of information that you can in turn, use in your own life. I think I (for the most part) approach the topic of sex in an extremely tasteful way, mostly using humor to tell a story.
Sex is a subject that you have to be willingly open to talk about and discuss. It has to be. Your sex life is going to suffer if you don't. You have to be able to laugh at the mishaps that do sometimes happen when sex is involved. You have to be willing to discuss the wants and needs you and your partner desire. Sex isn't something that magically becomes awesome right from the start. Sex is a continually growing, always evolving thing between yourself and your partner. Without communication your sex life will falter and eventually become nonexistent. By me giving sex a voice, I am hoping to help those of you out there who need to hear what I have to offer.
Elizabeth Bernstein's article asked how much sex we should all be having, to which I say, there is no right or wrong number. Our sex lives are (and should be) as different as each of us are as individuals. There is no magic number that can determine whether or not your sex life is stellar or not. There is no right or wrong number of orgasms that each of us should be having per week. Sex is sex, just like food is food. If you're in the mood, then sex it up. If you are hungry, then eat something. The food and sex police do not show up on your doorstep if you consume too much or refrain from any of it. I will not be lecturing you via email that you skipped out on breakfast or your daily orgasm. Sex is what you make it. You can choose to have it once in awhile or you can choose to partake in the act on a daily basis. I don't have sex ten times a day. Sometimes I don't have sex twice in a week. The point is, no matter the number, The Big Guy and I have chosen to make sure sex stays a priority in our lives. We have chosen to try and keep that "honeymoon phase" of our relationship alive, you know, like those first few months after we met when we couldn't get enough of each other. That is not to say that those of you not doing that are in any way less of a couple.
What I hope is taken away after reading my blogs is that it is okay to want and enjoy sex. That's it. It is okay and not dirty to talk about sex, to utter the word or to openly want and need your partner. Sex is something that has the ability to bring you and your partner closer together and it also has the power to tear a couple apart.
All of our lives today are crazy. Between jobs, kids, chores, money, stress, and unforeseen problems, sex is something that can quickly and easily fall to the wayside or be put on the back burner when life gets in the way. Believe me, I know. My goal is for women (because they are my main audience) to not see sex as a chore or duty. I want women to once again see sex as a priority in their lives. Women are usually the ones who are the main caretaker of the kids, the main homemaker, the main support system for their family. Sex is shoved aside when the laundry piles up, the kids are going crazy, the weight of the world seems to be resting on their shoulders. Eventually sex gets buried under the mounds of laundry, it gets hidden among the toys that are covering every inch of the house, it gets forgotten about under the 50lbs of stress that we all carry around with us. What I want women and mothers to see and understand is that sex, whether you are tired or not, will make you feel so much better.
Women deserve to take five, ten, twenty minutes out of their day or week to enjoy the pleasure, the orgasm, the relaxed state of mind that only sex can give you, without feeling ashamed or dirty and without feeling like sex is a chore or duty they must perform. Remember there is no magic number, there is no taboo or shame when it comes to sharing an intimate moment with your partner.
Now...go pull your partner into the bathroom and surprise them with a quickie. I promise, they will love you for it.