Sexual Responsibility and The Post-Breakup "Surprise" Kid

4 years ago
This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.

WARNING- This sh*t is about to get real and preachy. If you think sexual irresponsibility is cool, don’t read this.

I’ve encountered this too often for it not to be a trend. It’s a horrifying fad to me and I’d like to call it out. I’ve dated several men who, post-divorce or post-long term relationship breakup, end up knocking up a short-timer and now have a kid. (I’m sure you’ve heard of Dwyane Wade and his relationship hiatus baby by now).


Image: Janine via Flickr


I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes the “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” philosophy seems pretty appealing, especially after you have gone a really long time without electrifying sex. Sometimes it even helps, but you kinda want to use protection. I know we were all busy cracking jokes and passing notes during the 7th grade sex ed assembly, but you should have learned by now about ways to prevent unintended pregnancy and sexual transmitted diseases. Didn’t you learn anything from your breakup/divorce? That shit is sometimes costly and lingers on forevvvvaa. Bell Biv Devoe was NOT kidding when they said “never trust a big butt and a smile.”

At minimum, lack of sexual responsibility is a total turn-off and it’s a serious concern for all parties involved:

The Child- How do you even begin to have the conversation of “Well son, I hooked up with your dad in Vegas. Let this be a lesson to you. What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas.”  You will never be able to tell your child that he was conceived in love or even "in like". You will never be able to truthfully advise your child to have safe sex because you were too distracted to even care about your own safety (or your child’s future). What you are essentially saying to your child is “Honestly, I didn’t think about the implications for your life or identity whatsoever.”  Don’t be surprised when your child has hard feelings about this for the rest of his/her life. We all have the human need to belong, to feel wanted, and to know our roots.

The Woman-: Preface: I personally know many women whose birth control failed. My own birth control has failed. I'm not talking to you. I am talking to those women who think that intentionally getting pregnant with a hook-up is the right thing to do.

Honestly, I don’t get you. I don’t even want to get you. You are either so irresponsible or self-destructive that you actually think this is a good idea. What is strange to me though, is that I know of  highly educated women (doctors and lawyers) who have done this.  I get hooking up; everyone does it. But the scenario is that you don’t make him wear a condom, you aren’t using birth control, you can’t seem to get yourself to the pharmacy within 72 hours to get a Plan B pill (now available over the counter), and you can’t seem to get yourself to the family planning clinic. (Uh, now is NOT the time to bring up your morals and values. Don’t even go there with me.)

What? You are in your 30’s or 40’s, you don’t think you will ever get married, but you do want a kid? You are secretly happy this happened? I can even deal with that. Fine, then don’t tell the guy. Why screw up his life too? You really want to ship your beloved child off every other weekend to some guy’s house you don’t even know? (Please also consider the rando’s genetic history…You don’t know anything about that?) Oh, huh? You want to get money? Please, get out of my face now. Women did not struggle and fight for your right to have kids for money. Offended? Go ahead, defend yourself.

The Man- I don’t get your ass either. In fact, I just met a man who, in a lot of ways, was point on with me. We talked about everything. Finally, the topic of sex came up. Keep in mind that he was married for many years and has a 10 year old son from that marriage. He also has a 20 year old son from when he was just out of high school. Then he said he has a 3 year old from a "short-timer" with whom he has nothing in common (So, that makes 2 unintentional kids). He then tells me that he refuses to wear a condom because he and “latex don’t mix.” I said “That’s cool, they have non-latex condoms.” No, he said he “can’t” wear anything because it affects his “performance.”  Well, unfortunately for him that requirement affected his performance with me too, because I don’t play that. I’m am not shaken because I’m a big girl and I know for a fact that my life is not worth some lousy sex. I am concerned about the women who actually agree to that because they just want a man. That breaks my heart.

I was in a long term relationship and during a relationship hiatus, he knocked up a chick who works at a mall kiosk. Wow. And she actually had a boyfriend at the time (who stayed with her) Now, that $3 condom seems golden compared to the $1100/mo plus insurance and lawyer’s fees he’s paying. Maybe that will speak to you. I really don’t want to launch in to HIV statistics.

If your performance isn’t that great with a condom, it most likely won’t be stellar when you’re dirt poor, waking up in the night with a baby, or taking several pills a day.

All that being said, I get that we all have moment of bad choices and weaknesses. The point I am making is that those moments should not have to define the rest of our lives and the lives of our children. If you are a single woman who wants to be a single mom, then do it in a way that is as kind and responsible as possible to all involved. Self-respect and self-control are critical. What are the underlying issues that support this trend? Feeling so heartbroken that you don’t even care about your future because you can’t even see it? Trying to prove your sexiness when it’s been slowly drained out of your for years? Those are temporary feelings and you can seek counseling to help with them. What if you do meet the right person tomorrow? You may be able to have the life you dream of, but right now you may be bringing that one impulsive night that turned into a lifetime into their life as well. Is it fair to anyone, most of all you?

Follow me on Twitter @NewWomanOrder



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