One of my exes hates that I talk about him, and because we've recently become friends again, I told him that I would restrict discussions about our relationship to my journal.
Then I got to thinking...
He and I dated some time ago, and after not speaking to me for over a year, he apologized, and we became "friends" again. Months of checking up on each other, random conversations about future plans, and generally friendly things made me feel like everything with us was okay.
One day, while discussing love letters on Twitter, I mentioned that an ex once left a 4-page love letter on my car while I was in class. Of course, HE was the ex to whom I was referring. Two days later, he's upset and expressed that he thinks I'm making fun of him. He also feels that I hate him. I apologized for hurting his feelings, and I meant it, but there is no way I am going to refrain from ever discussing him.
Image: Walt Stoneburner via Flickr
Our relationship became a part of me. It affected me, and it always will, because it was such a huge aspect of my life. Why should I stop posting about something that has had such an impact, just to save someone else from being uncomfortable? When I decided to get into writing more, I knew that I would have to learn the balance between being open and keeping things inside. I told myself to not be afraid of writing exactly how I felt, even if it hurt sometimes. I am trying to learn to write my truth.
My truth is that nothing I write about that ex in particular comes from a place of bitterness, or hate. Do I sometimes wish I had been smarter in that relationship? Yes. Did he hurt me? Yes.
But do I hate him? No. Hate takes up all the space I have to love someone else. However, it doesn't change the affect being with him had on me. There are times that I am afraid that I will be foolish enough to be in that situation again. There are times that I fear letting someone in as much as I let him in. All the forgiveness in the world doesn't change the facts.
I refuse to censor myself because someone else can't take seeing it. This is my truth.