My 3rd piece of advice during my existential year

6 years ago
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Take this to heart young women and mothers.  For the sake of your kids and your own sanity.

No matter how many wonderful moments you create for your children, what they will remember, what they will share with their friends, what they will relate at family/holiday functions...., is all the times you screwed up.  And the stories will grow exponentially in hilarity until you will wonder why someone didn't just admit you to an insane asylum and take your kids away long before  the particular moment in time they, your children - the beating of your heart - the sweetness of your soul - the light of your world, are relating.

Forget the tooth fairy dust sprinkled across their room.  Forget waiting until 2 am to climb on your roof and stomp around while ringing jingle bells.  Forget rearranging their stuffed animals when they are asleep to convince them that their toys play at night while they, the lights of your life, sleep.

Forget the millions of visits to the beach.

Day trips to nowhere just for the sake of exploring.

Dressing up like characters in history to learn about the revolution.

Cakes made to look like castles or beds with little girls asleep under the covers.

Painting rooms every three years., sea themes, hills with chalkboard paint, 3 dimensional fairies flitting across the walls, apple trees with glow in the dark apples, the fireworks room, the jungle room with 3 feet monkeys, flamingos and banana trees covering the walls.

NO, here is what they will remember:

The time you chased them around the house with a cardboard wrapping paper tube.  Trying Desperately to whack them while they ran laughing hysterically at your "nervous" breakdown over wrapping christmas presents.

The time you poured the entire bottle of shampoo down on their heads because they used too much shampoo, all the time, every time (not me, no really, that was not me. Another demented dame who passed this little bit of advice onto me when my daughters were young)

The time you asked them to poop outside because you didn't have the time to try and find a restroom.  They were 3 for goodness sake.

The "multiple" times they had to pass notes under your bedroom door because you wouldn't let them in.  Evidently children don't understand "peace and quiet." or "entertain yourselves."

The one year you got EVERY present wrong for their birthdays.  ONE YEAR, I tell you and my daughters are very specific or so they say.

The songs they blame you for not being able to listen to because they heard you crying while listening to the same song at least three rooms away.

Lying to them about Santa Claus, even though they were 11 and really should have moved on by that time.  FYI, she insists that ruined her life from that point on.

The time you left her in a stroller outside a ride in Disney World  even with 4 adults; mommy, daddy, nana and papa.  She was 18 months old.  We did remember halfway through the ride or we never forgot her we just assumed someone else had her.  You'd be surprised how fast they shut down Disney World when you've misplaced a child.

Their memories are numerous and frankly, horrifying.  But it's nice to now we can at least qualify for the worst parents ever.










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