Who Says Plus-Sized Women Can't Have Dating Standards?

My best guy friend recentlybrought to my attention that there are a number of disrespectful, aesthetically-brainwashed imbeciles in the world who believe overweight women must adhere to a certain dating protocol.  This, of course, differs from that by which women who have been deemed “attractive” by the standards of society abide. I learned this when he lamented an essay-length text message he received from one of his flings. The texts were about his tendency to only contact her outside of regular business hours and his lack of invitations for any public outings. The conversation took an ugly turn when he asserted that she was out of line because, as a "fat chick", she had no leverage to express any desire to be more than a booty call.


Image: Sean McGrath via Flickr

By his account she should be thankful he even graced her with an opportunity to have sex and, moreover, only "attractive" women have the right to engage in a casual sex arrangement with a man and later suggest that some formality be invoked. In his petty, two-dimensional world, a big girl has to work much harder to prove her value as a possible love interest, and having sex too soon will automatically seal her fate with a man. He went on to rattle out a litany of annoyances he’s had with big women, but what probably spoke truest to his incredibly warped theories was his opinion that fat women are not made for him to be seen with in public.

The tone of his voice cut like a flaming katana through his words to make them bleed with a pointed disgust for big women. It was at this point that I decided to interject. As soon as I spoke, he suddenly realized to whom he had been venting his fat chick repulsion—a fat chick. He recanted with numerous uneasy versions of “No, I’m not talkin’ about you because…”, but all his forswearing fell on deaf ears. My psychological foundations had already been rocked with the realization that he was indeed talking about me. My pain was compounded however by the quandary, “How many disgustingly superficial men have I allowed inside of me that once regarded me in that same perverse way?”

If the concern was “I need someone who can match my level of dedication to fitness and nutrition,” there would be no offense, but his aversion to larger women was not a mere issue of preference. I have my own preferences and in no way am I down for a man with *ahem* meager biological endowments. I don’t feel, however, that those men should crawl beneath my feet as lowly worms. (Pun not intended... not really.) Also, if there’s one thing I know it is that plenty of women will absolutely not tolerate is a broke man, but so many men are immediately offended by this preference. They claim we’re being too materialistic and that we will miss out on good men due to our "superficial" dating preferences. My financially impotent, big-girl-disparaging friend is no different in that protest, but somehow he still finds the gall to deem ladies of a certain size unworthy of his company.

Isn’t it funny how many of these mediocre men seem to have incredibly strict tastes for women that they don't live up to themselves? I think the root of this unrealistic yearning to have the hottest woman on one’s arm isn't entirely based on an individually tailored measure of attraction. I believe that the driving force behind the for poor treatment of larger women, or even women thought to be too skinny, comes from the male ego's need to being seen with someone their peers would covet. He beams with pride when his friends bump his fist in objectifying approval of his woman's figure, but show up to the BBQ with a big girl and everybody turns into a comedian. "You shoulda told us ya girl was a big'un—I woulda put a couple more racks of ribs on!" This is especially true if a man is insecure about any flaws of his own that his peers could use to poke holes in his manhood.

Furthermore, a man's ego can hardly risk being turned down by a big girl if he did approach her in the same way he would an "attractive" woman. As much as men like my friend may claim a big girl is not on his dating radar, I know for a fact that these men come looking for us. All big girls may not look good in a skin-tight bandage dress, but this doesn’t mean we can’t be confident, bold, witty, strong and sexy as all hell. Because we didn't always have family, friends and suitors constantly singing our aesthetic praises, we were charged with the difficult task of forging our own sense of self-worth. The kind of confidence many big girls have is kind of hard not to notice. Men are often drawn to this confidence, but God forbid they should have to take that walk of shame back to a table surrounded by their uproarious friends after being brutally rebuffed by a "fatty".

Yes, I am quite aware that many of us big girls have weight-related health issues. In spite of our struggles with our health, however, we still deserve to be treated with respect. No one is "perfect", but we just have the kind of “flaw” that is more readily apparent than others. A man with an unfavorably sized member doesn't have to worry about that affecting a woman’s initial decision to date him. A “beautiful” woman can hide her manipulative and controlling nature long enough to get her hooks in a man real deep, but big girls are judged harshly as soon as we walk through the door. These guys have no idea what they have been missing out on. Walk with those heads up high, you big beautiful foxes, and don’t settle for a damn thing.

D.A. "De De T" Theriot

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