Frank shops with absolute abandon. He doesn’t check fat grams, return policies, or the price. I envy his exuberance when turned loose with a handful of cash. However, being that I am responsible for our finances, I have unfortunately been forced to forbid him to shop until further notice.
Here are three incidents that demonstrate why Frank has been banned from consumerism.
1) After Frank has been at the grocery for an hour and forty-five minutes, I receive a call.
Me: Where in the hell are you? There were only three things on the list.
Frank: I’m standing in the trash bag aisle.
Frank: I’m looking for baguettes. I’ve read every shelf, and I can’t find anything called a baguette.
Me: That’s because a baguette is bread. It’s in the bakery.
Thank Goodness, I didn’t ask him to pick up a batard, instead. I fear he’d have brought home a mentally-challenged person who was born out of wedlock.
2) Watching television. Commercial Break.
Frank: Oooohhhh…look! An Olde Brooklyn Lantern. It can light a whole room. We need that for the boat. You get two for the price of one. And, for a short time it's free shipping.
Resume TV watching. Next commercial break.
Frank: Ooohhh…look! The Groutinator. We could use that on the kitchen island. It works on all grout colors and types. It even cleans calcium, algae, and red clay.
Me: None of those things are in the grout of our kitchen island. No.
More TV. Another commercial. Losing Patience.
Frank: Ooohhh…look! A Slushy Magic machine. Wow, it uses snowflake science. And it comes with a fun drink guide. I could make Pina Colatas.
Frank: But it’s Slushy MAGIC.
Me: First of all, we’ve discussed the fact that you are too big to drink cocktails with paper parasols. Secondly, must I remind you about the Flex Seal Roof Sealant debacle? Remember, you begged me, “But Donna, it can turn a screen door into a raft. I need it.” Then you ended up paying fifty dollars just in shipping and handling, and it wouldn’t even stop the tiny leak in our faucet. You wound up ruining a perfectly good pair of shorts, gomming up one of my wine glasses, and then getting so frustrated that you threw it and made a dent in the cabinet. No, Slushy Magic!
3) We receive our monthly bill from the Bait Shop on the dock. It is $68.00. Our electric only constitutes $22.00 of this.
Me: Frank, have you been charging things at the Bait Shop?
Frank: Maybe just a bag of ice or two.
Me: Bags of ice don’t cost $23.00 each. Maybe I should go ask them for a breakdown.
Frank: You don’t have to.
Me: But, I want to.
Electric - $22.00
Cigarettes - $8.00
Ice cream – $34.00
4 ice cream Sandwiches
3 Klondike Bars
So, you see why until further notice, there will be no buying for the boy.