Sometimes he just isn’t that into you. It takes an incredible amount of courage to accept that and move on. Yes, there have been movies that start off with this statement, books, and even episodes on TV shows that talk about this, but they all end up with happy endings of the man realizing what he was missing and how in deed he wanted commitment or the woman being self-empowered enough to walk away and leave only for the man to realize that he was being a dick all along. What if the man never realizes that? Or what about if things just weren't working out. Why do we have to analyze it for hours and decide what the right thing to do is? Why is it so hard to just walk away from something?
Image: Marcio Jose Bastos Silva via Shutter Stock
For me, it is about realizing that the love you have for someone isn’t reciprocated the way you hoped it would be. It doesn’t mean that the love wasn’t there at one point, or that the love won’t ever come back. It just isn’t there now. As a woman, what am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait for the love I need to just return magically. Love doesn’t work like that. I think people no longer work like that.
I have realized that love IS, in fact, like a roller coaster, but it is like riding the same roller coaster over and over. The butterflies start in the very beginning because it is something new and unexpected, but as you get more and more comfortable with the idea of the “ride”, the butterflies go away. Eventually, the roller coaster becomes somewhat predictable, and out of nowhere there is a huge drop. Boom! There are those butterflies again.
The only difference between love and a roller coaster is that a roller coaster lasts 3 minutes, while love is something that should last a lifetime, but you have to feed it and water it so that it may grow. So maybe it is more like a garden growing on a roller coaster? Yes, that is a better analogy. A garden roller coaster.
So what happens when you see you are the only one investing in this roller coaster/garden? Or that you may not be comfortable with what is growing? Maybe it just isn’t enough anymore. How do you know to walk away? A lot of people have different opinions and I am sure that is why some marriages and relationships last while others don’t. For me, the most important thing is feeling loved and wanted. If that doesn’t happen, then what is the point of being in a relationship? Carrie Bradshaw is quoted in saying she wants real love, inconvenient love and I wonder what that means? Does love have to be inconvenient to be real? Or should it be free sailing from the moment you meet?
What happens if you have children? Do you stay for the children? My parents have been married for over 40 years and I remember a time where I was convinced they were going to get a divorce. Now, they are going on dates again, staying out later than me and just having a good time. They are still in love. I wonder sometimes if that love was always consistent? What made them stay together? What made them so faithful to one another?
I always told myself I would never get married because the thought of the possibility of it ending is just too much for me to handle. The thought of sharing a life with someone seemed daunting and stressful. I didn’t want to depend on anyone to make decisions or consult with anyone else. It was MY life and I wasn’t going to share it with anyone. All of this changed when I had my daughter, Summer. Now all I ever think about is making that commitment. It is this illusion of what a happy family should be like. All because that is what I had growing up and it was such a wonderful feeling to look up and see my parents kiss and feel the love. I want that more than anything for Summer, but I am afraid it isn’t so black and white. What I want isn’t necessarily what is meant to be, or what the other person may want. As heartbreaking as that is it is a part of growing up.
Sometimes, I blame the idea of feminism, that women have become so prone to becoming independent and trying to be equal to men. I was once this way as well. The thing is though, we aren’t like men. We are biologically different. Society has created us to be different. My father once told me that the key to a relationship is to understand that each person comes with certain roles. That isn’t to say that women belong in the kitchen or that men belong at work. They aren’t necessarily gender roles, but that each person contributes to the relationship in a different way. Feminism has taught women to be independent yes, but it has also taught us to be selfish. Society has become about individualism and that my friends has screwed over love.
So, maybe he just isn’t that into you, but maybe you just aren’t so into conforming to the roles that come with relationships. Coming together as two columns supporting a building. Maybe that’s when it is time to walk away, when the columns come too close together that the building loses balance, or maybe the columns are too far apart causing the structure to collapse inwards.
Relationships are tough, having a kid is even tougher. Sometimes I feel I wasn’t ready to handle both. I am both trying to keep a building from collapsing while trying to make sure I don’t break the statues inside. The statue being my child. She is so delicate that every decision I make now, will effect her, and that is the scariest thing ever imaginable. I love being a mom, but sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without this responsibility, and I wonder what my life would be like now if it were just me again. Do other moms ever feel this way? I feel like my brain has housed three personalities. The person I was, the person I am now, and the person I want to be. At any given moment they all make an appearance and it is getting really exhausting trying to figure out which one I should become.
More from love