This is not a post about heartbreak. This is a post about what comes after. For me, for the past 7 years, what came after was, "Next!" I have been The Queen of Dust Yourself Off.
I thought that the day might come when I might declare myself "Done!" Storm away from love and romance and dating full of fury and disgust. In March 2005, I declared, "I am so sick of being single I could scream." It's one of those posts that still attracts visitors and comments from people going through where I was then. Today, I almost feel like, "I am so sick of relationships I could scream." Except that a statement like that would require a level a passion I simply don't have.
For a while, I found myself feeling very strange and trying to figure out how to express what I'm feeling. When I think about dating again, or meeting someone new, I'm not excited, nervous, pissed off, over it, angry, or interested. Honestly, I've never felt like this before. What was it? It felt familiar, but out of context.
The other day I realized that I feel like I've lost my appetite.
Like someone new could be the most beautiful banana split ever, with whipped cream and cherries and nuts, and when confronted with this person I would remember how much I love banana splits, maybe even want to still love banana splits, but be left with absolutely no stomach for one. I pulled my OKCupid profile. I couldn't bear it sitting there saying "in a relationship," but the thought of actually using it seems completely absurd.
I've completely lost my appetite for love, romance, and dating. It feels like the absolute last thing I could possibly desire to do with my time is go on a date with someone new.
I find that what I *do* want to do with my time right now is to do things. Clean and organize my new apartment. Write. Stitch. Read. Dust off the exercise equipment. Listen to music. Study films. Cook. Take a bike ride. Spend time by myself.
Not think about the whys or the whens or the whats. Just do things.
I find that I want to limit my time around other people, particularly large groups with lots of people I don't know. I've been trying to keep to intimate gatherings of established friends when possible. Not overload my schedule. Take it easy.
Try not to think too much about this strange new feeling of having no appetite for love. As a lifelong romantic it feels deeply disconcerting and uncomfortable.
I guess that this won't last forever. I guess it's a phase, like any other.
We'll see, I guess.
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.