I have been sitting here, at the end of the day, determined to write a post for the day and continue my streak of posting every day. As I stare at the blank page before me, I feel as though I have nothing to say. I feel like there is nothing relevant for me to write. I have read the prompts. I have scoured Artful Blogger for ideas. I have flipped through old notebooks and journals looking for something to say.
Nothing felt right. Yes, I could write on many of the prompts. I could pull something up from previous writings. All of the ideas were not authentic. I felt as though I was writing in someone else's voice. So, I did what many writers do. I contemplated as to the reasons why. This is what I found.
I am not in a sparkly, spread the joy, silver lining place right now. My world is changing rather rapidly. As December 31st creeps closer, I find myself in a gray, cloudy fog more often. Each day is a reminder that I will no longer have the job I have had for 9 years. The doors are closing and my unique position will be gone. And because of this the anxiousness and fear of the unknown often have me in their grips. For more fun, I am working from a separation into a divorce through my kids birthdays (all three this month). There are days when I am barely hold myself together.
In my day to day life, I often feel as though I should have the right answers, even if I don't always know the questions. So, when I get ready to write, I beleive that I should also have an answer. Or at least something wonderful and fascinating to share. But, tonight, I want to say something else.
Tonight, I want to tell you that I am lost. Trying to redefine who I am professionally and personally has shocked my system. Each time it seems that I have a foothold on the future, the earth beneath starts to slip and shift, and I have to start over again. There are so many possibilities about what the future holds, and many of them good. It is the uncertainty and the waiting that are causing fear to rear up. The last few days, and today especially, and I cannot even begin to tell you why. It's just there, crowding my thoughts.
I want to ask you. What do you do when you feel lost? When have you had to redfine yourself and what did you do? Would you do it again? Do you bring the change about or was it dropped in your lap?
(A quick note: Overall, I am happy. My life is not perfect but there are many things in it that make me happy. Just so much change happening at one time is overwhelming.)