Lies, Guys, and a case of Social Leprocy

5 years ago

In recent days I haven't reported in detail my (mis)adventures in the dating world, as there haven't been any. One can still consider oneself a social leper even if said individual is receiving mail on a regular basis via web-dating sites. I haven't been on any dates since I started. Seriously. (How long have I been doing this? Since October?) Thus far the only candidates readily available are the NapolitanoMacDaddysthat can't seem to crank out any more originality than "Ciao Bella" or Hi Sexy."  Even if I did give one of them the benefit of the doubt, the evening would likely consist of bland conversation, my date staring at me intently and intermittently telling me I had beautiful eyes, frequent arm touching (I hate that), and me smiling nervously across the table nodding on autopilot wondering why I even accepted the invitation in the first place, and wishing I could escape from a bathroom window. The icing on the cake would be me getting into a crappy Fiat, and my date finding out where I live, and playing stalker-creep later.

However in all fairness, here is a hot, cerebral Italian I WOULD date/do cartwheels for: (me and 50,000 other women)

Filmmaker, director, actor, screen writer: The Awesome, Silvio Muccino

Lately there have been few online candidates of interest overall, only dullards at best. I am not sure I could say what any woman would find remotely stimulating in any of them.  The 30/40ishBrits grasp at conversational straws and have all but dried up and blown away, The Italians have formed a conspiracy to boycott writing profiles of more that 2 sentences (if any) in order to maintain their compatibility with everyone (when you're THAT irresistible- why bother?), then cut and paste the same 'generica' to every female within a 200km radius. As for the Americans - they have developed a fondness for posting photos with such a diverse physical range that you wouldn't know by comparison if it was the same guy, or otherwise photos where they are 5 to 10 years younger than their current age, because their disillusiondictates: "If you like how I looked then, you must like how I look now." A prime example would be 42 year old "Spy/Fly-Guy," as upon inspection of his recent, horrendous 'mirror pic,' his hair was much grayerand his pecswere considerably more deflated compared to his online photos where he was a dead-ringer for a 35-year-old Hispanic Superman.

Denial is not always pretty.

As we have become so fickle and selective in the virtual dating world...

I have been trying to keep an open mind...

But come on, who are they kidding?

Cheese factor rating: 9.5

Impress single ladies of the dating world:
Post photos of yourself with skankywomen who look like hookers or porn stars.
If you're looking to rob a bank, knock over a liquor store, or bomb a stadium - this "attached"guy on the left is your man. If you fancy a date with 'Uncle Fester or the poster-boy for nasal hygiene and irrigation - the guy on the right is your perfect match

Our friend Uncle Fester was pro-active enough to write a profile and what a gem it was indeed: "Hi, I’m an Italian guy and I’m searching for a little girl who likes my country; I like she is sunny, honest and slim. Contact me for a photo or others you want to."  I'm sure his inbox is maxed.

Fortunately I had a small glimmer of hope. Last week I had decided to create a new profile on a site I was on back in October (that I had since cancelled shortly thereafter), and 2 nights ago while checking my inbox I got 2 IMs.

Guy 1: "The Scribe" (Rome), Age : 41, Nationality: Italian, lived in NYC since '94, massage therapist and also writer and freelance editor. IM duration: 2.5 hours, Findings: Stimulating conversationalist, claims not to be stereotypicalItal, possible MacDaddy? - jury is out, overall compatibility: good, meeting potential: medium to strong.

Guy 2: "JV" aka. The Jewish Vin Diesel - actually, physically he is Vin Diesel meets Adam Sandler, (Tel Aviv), Age: 37, Nationality: Israeli, quasi-super hero - working on important world projects regarding technological and environmentalco-existence, IM: duration 2.5 hours, Skype call: 12 minutes, Findings: stellar intellect, sharp wit, had to roll my tongue up from off the floor and brush off the dust bunnies after hearing actual voice (über-HOT), meeting potential: shaky(was only in Naples 1 night and neither of us had access to transport, now on his way back to TA... although Skyped IM to say hello before boarding.)

Yet another CMcC cocktail for white hot

There you have it, a series of quasi-hits and more than few misses. But before that night,  I can't remember the last time a man really made me laugh. Who knows, maybe I won't meet either of them, and I haven't hooked any live one as of yet but in the words of Cicero:

"While there’s life, there’s hope." (and I'm not dead just yet)

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