A Letter To My Heart

9 years ago
This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.

Dear Heart,

Simmer down, now.  I know you still feel like you're 22, but look at the body you are in.  You're the heart of a 37-year-old married mother of two who wears yoga pants and sweat jackets as her professional attire.  She listens to The Wiggles in the Mom Car.  She wipes ass for a living.  She has gray hair, smile lines, and a lot more flab in the wrong parts than she used to.

You're a good, strong heart, beating healthily in my body.  But lately you are sending the wrong vibe.  Since I started getting emails from my ex-boyfriend of 15 years ago, you are quickening your pace and affecting your neighbors the Lungs, the Sweat Glands, and the entire nervous system.

You have gotten a little bit out of control, making me check my email more often and preventing me from sleeping well as my thoughts spin and turn with all the long-locked-away hurt and anger and regret.  And let's not forget the wonder.  We walked away from that guy, the guy that we thought was The Love of My Life, and never looked back.  Fifteen years later, what ever happened to him?  Now that the internet has made it possible to ask him that question directly, I went ahead and asked, never realizing that you, my heart, would open up that buried part of yourself and completely freak me out.  I'm behind on sleep.  I'm not eating well.  I'm preoccupied.

Yes, he broke you all those years ago.  Yes, it took us a long time to
put you back together, without help from all the king's horses and
definitely not all the king's men.  Yes, you had a lot to say to him.  But you've said most of it, and it's gone well.  You had a chance to tell him why you left.  You read the emails in which he told you why he did what he did.  You're actually happy for him now that he's older, grayer, and married too.

But it's time to step away from the computer.

It's all too easy now to remember what a wasted chance at happiness that was.  I know you are swimming in emotion and memory, but Heart, let us not forget that you have moved on to experience amazing things, to meet incredible people, and to, thank God and all that is good, meet the man who makes you feel at home.  None of this would have happened if you had not been brave enough to love that ex and fail anyway.

Oh, what we've learned together over the years, you and I.  I had forgotten how versatile we are.  I thank you, and the ex-boyfriend, for reminding me.  Let us put this aside as a sweet discovery of closure, and move on with our lives.  That hidden 22-year-old girl inside you can finally rest.




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