Growing up, I, like most girls I know, dreamed of the day I would get married. All I ever wanted to do was get married and have babies. That’s it. Everything else was second best to those two items. This was perpetuated by the face that I grew up in the South, and in a Southern Baptist family. That’s what women did, do, and always will do. Add having two parents that met at 16 and 18 and were married by 18 and 20, and are still married 33 years later and you have the trifecta of a idealistic girl who thinks everything is peaches and roses and prince charming exists.
I had the typical high school romance, filled with passion, hate, and fights… oh man the fights. And of course I was engaged by Senior Year. Ignoring the advice of all those around me I thought I had found the one. Just like my Mom. So what that he drank a lot, had a temper, and all around treated me like shit. I could fix that! Ha. I laugh looking back on it now. I was missing two key things, knowledge of myself, and knowledge of what reasonable expectations bring to a relationship. Even with all the niavity and puppy dog love, something always kept me from actually going thru with the marriage. I went dress shopping, picked our honeymoon spot, and looked at venues. But I would never set a date. Anytime it got brought up I would spout out a date, and always, that date would come and go with no marriage. Two and a half years after high school we broke up. (Suprised?!) I left him after one of our many “Get the F out! Now!!” fights. That time I was serious and I haven’t looked back since.
Fast forward a few years, bad relationships, and a lot of growing up, and I met my now fiancée. He was charming, witty, and I was just attracted to him. I had this over whelming feeling of having to know who he was, and what he was all about. After a rocky start, we decided we were going to actually be together. Everyone thought I was a little bit insane because he did have some baggage. Three kids, a not so nice ex wife, and another baby with an ex girl friend worth of baggage. But his kids were amazing, and there was just something about him that caused me to over look the flaws, and see his soul, who he really was. About a year after we had been together we lost visitation of his children, the mothers will give you every excuse in the book as to why we can’t see them a, but it basically boils down to me. The youngest child doesn’t even know who we are. We haven’t seen her in 2 years, and prior to that we only saw her about five times. She does however still expect him to be financially responsible for this child, even though she has her calling someone else Daddy. There is so much drama with this situation I could go on for days. Which I don’t want to do because I think its ridiculous to bash someone else on a blog (even though she dedicated an entire blog to us and how I trashed her ideal make believe family). I know a lot of people judge him, for having 4 children, and judge me for deciding to be with a man who had two not so rational (to put it lightly) women as the mothers of his children. But I really could care less. I know who he is, a gentle person, who tries his hardest to be a great father, a great husband, and a great person. He loves me, and wants to give me the world. People make mistakes in life, and just as I don’t want to be judged for the things I have done, I don’t want to judge him. I could not ask for a better partner in life. We balance each other out perfectly. He is everything I have ever wanted or my better half. And his kids… are the most amazing, respectful, loving children I have ever met. I would proudly call them my own.
After being together for almost two years we had a child, she was perfect and everything I had ever wanted. I dreamt of having a daughter my entire life, and she was everything and more. Ironically, the January we were planning to get married, was the January she was born. So with her birth, and the issues at hand with his youngest daughter’s mother, we decided to put off the wedding.
As time went on, I began making excuse after excuse as to why I didn’t want to get married. His exes being crazy, the kids not being able to come, not wanting my tax money to go to his youngest daughter’s mother because she doesn’t work and I do and its my money not hers, not wanting to be tied to these women forever, the list could go on and on. Fear was overcoming my ability to love. I was allowing other people to make my life decisions; which is something we as a couple had worked so hard on preventing. We had been adamant about separating our relationship and our child and our family from his issues with his family and his ex and his children. So why then was I allowing this to happen now? Part of it is fear of the unknown, but I think most of it boils down to not wanting to mess up. I don’t want to make the wrong decision, and marriage downright scares me. It’s funny that something I have dreamt about and idealized my entire life when put in front of me, scares the shit out of me.
I meditate daily, and pray multiple times a day. I consider myself to be a spiritual person, and I try my hardest to follow certain principles everyday. I believe God has a plan, and that he put me with my Fiancée for a reason, and that he has given me these challenges for a reason, and that he has given us our Daughter for a reason. If I believe he can take care of everything else I must believe he can take care of this as well.
So in May I decided it was time to get married. As of Jan. 26 of 2013 I will be a wife. It still sounds crazy to me. And sometimes I still want to run, and make excuses, but in the end, I know in my heart this is what’s right. Don’t get me wrong, there has been a lot of planning behind this decision. I contacted an Accountant and asked if I was still able to file taxes separately, and also asked if I was financially responsible for his child support. I am also being smart about keeping separate bank accounts from him so that it is considered my money and not the family’s money. Is it the ideal situation that these things have to occur in a relationship? No. But it’s my reality. It may not be the entire dream of my childhood, but that’s okay. Nothing in life happens the way we plan. As the old saying goes “We plan and God laughs”. When I am standing in the kitchen making dinner and look out into the living room at them playing together I know this is exactly where I need to be. Hopefully one day soon we will have his children back in our lives. I hold out hope that his ex will wake up one day and realize what she is doing to the children by denying them their father. But until then, I will continue to support him in every decision he makes, and stand behind him always.
We have learned to have faith together thru this entire ordeal, and we have also learned the importance of depending on you partner in life. We trust each other, and we know if needed we will be there, open arms, and non judgmental for one another. I believe in a relationship nothing else really matters. I have learned along the way that my Serenity is inversely proportional to my level of expectations. This is important in a relationship. I have to realize that my expectations on what I need from him have to actually be at a level that can be met, and vise versa. I have also learned that acceptance works wonders in not only life but in relationships as well. Knowing these things, I think we will do alright. I know it may be corny, but we have a song. The reason it is our song, is because it sums our relationship up perfectly. It’s called January Wedding by the Avett Brothers and some of the lyrics so as follows:
No longer do we wonder, if we're together
We're way past that, And I've already asked her
So in January we're gettin' married
She's talkin' to me with her voice, Down so low I barely hear her
But I know what she's sayin', I understand because my heart and hers are the same
And in January we're gettin' married
And I was sick with heartache, And she was sick like Audrey Hepburn when I met her
But we would both surrender, True love is not the kind of thing you should turn down
Don't ever turn it down, I hope that I don't sound to insane when I say
There is darkness all around us, I don't feel weak but I do need sometimes for her to protect me, And reconnect me to the beauty that I'm missin'
And in January we're gettin' married.
So with that being said, I am excited about the future and what it holds. I am excited to get married, and to finally be going thru with it all. And to the people who judge me I say- Life is too short to worry about other people. We need to live every day grateful for the things we have. Don’t focus so much on what other’s do or don’t do, and instead focus on what you do to contribute to this earth and your life on a daily basis. Life is too short… and I know when it’s all said and done; it not the things we do that we think about, it’s the things we don’t do in life that we regret or wonder about.
Brit Staton- www.mommytomommies.blogspot.com
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