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I wanted to confess something….
You might be wondering why I called this blog “IVF and the Newlywed” when I haven’t really been spending a whole lotta’ time talking about my uterus or my sprightly egg count. It’s just that I can’t. I find the IVF process itself to be thoroughly exhausting and I have discovered it’s extremely helpful for me to focus my mind on more INSPIRING, EMPOWERING and TASTY topics. Right now, those ethereal things have been the juice that has kept me going. Perhaps it’s a smokescreen to the real “issues” of the fertility-challenged, but at least it keeps me laughing!
Now for today’s topic: The stuff you give up…..
When I got married, I traded in my sporty convertible for a lumbering black jeep. (This is not a metaphor!). My lease was up on my car and I was scared to drive it on slippery icy days. I also wondered how MILF-like I would look with a baby seat in the back and the ragtop down. How would you get a kid out of a 2-door sports car anyway?
So in the days between our wedding and reception, my husband and I picked up our new little SUV. We opted for a smaller, boxy kind that had a cleaner engine, 4-wheel drive, and really good gas mileage (relatively speaking). It was a stunning, aloof shade of black, with tinted windows and big sidewall tires. I knew I would feel safe in this car, and I liked the feeling of riding high in the saddle. In Boston, it’s all about being the top-man on the road, as you careen past bad drivers and shout nasty words from your car!!!!! (Often with your windows closed so as not to truly upset anyone!). I was a @ss">bad-@ss yuppie.
Lately I’ve been missing my convertible. I’ve also been missing the sofa we gave away to upgrade to “married furniture”. It’s been hard for my husband to understand. Sometimes, when I’m amped up on the baby-med hormone shots I’ll just sit across from the new sofa and glare at it. I even told it “I hate you!” once. (No response from the couch).
What my husband may or may not understand is that these were my “single” things. A sexy blue sport scar with buff leather seats that screamed “I’m successful and fantastic, and I don’t NEED your money!” And that sofa bed– one of the first big pieces of furniture that I purchased for myself, acknowledging at the time that I was a new homeowner and was going it alone. Through the years, this couch was my refuge for long nights of girl talk and even longer nights of crazy Fall s ex. It was soft, and velvety, and it was MINE.
(Oh the things you can do on a rolled arm couch………But I digress!)
I think I miss those things because they represented my former-life to me. The carefree, sassy girl with money to spare. Successful, self-protected, smug. Sometimes I feel like I have traded in an old life for a new one, and gotten rid of my “stuff” but I don’t know what’s going to replace it yet. Will it be sweet baby furniture, or a suburban garden filled with ripe tomatoes and love? Will it be an empty nest? What are the things He and I are “building together”?
Oftentimes, it is that limbo between single lass and newly married lady that makes you feel like you are floating. It’s hard to know what you will land on. Will it be a soft, cushy new sofa, or the floor of an empty nursery?
I talked to my Advisor about this. It came out like gunpowder, “I’m giving up all this stuff, and I don’t know what’s replacing it yet!!!!!” She told me that with every new thing you bring into your life, you have to give up something else. It just happens.
I don’t know what will come into our lives to mark the passage of our first year of marriage. I only know that when I wash the Jeep it SHINES, and when I cuddle on that couch with my Sweetie, there’s no place I’d rather be….
Wishing you many happy moments
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