It's not you it's me

6 years ago

I recently came to terms with a harsh reality about my love life and love experiences. When the disappointment sets in and the sadness begins (every time something ends), I always end up doing the same thing, I blame myself. I blame myself for not being "quiet enough", "patient enough", "close enough", and for being way too confident, independent, attractive and even passionate.

I think it's a very interesting symptom, yet probably one that took me about 26 years (that's how old I am) to figure out. And just as I figured it out, I had a revelation about myself. I'm practically breaking my own heart when I blame myself, because I beat myself up about it and I go over the relationship in my head, over and over again to try and figure out where exactly I went wrong. When did I make the mistake of being too nice, or too talkative or too honest. And when I find the smallest of mistakes, I replay the scenario in my head as a better version. I imagine what it could have been or what could have happened if I would have acted differently. And in the end I end up feeling worse than when the whole situation started.

Something as simple as a man not wanting to further a relationship with me (for whatever reason) turns into a blame game between me, myself and I. And it's really painful to watch, believe me. Because I take it personal and dwell on every memory good and bad. Instead of cutting my losses and moving forward, it takes me twice as long as it probably should to move on. And in the meantime I continue to punish myself for ruining yet another possible good relationship. 

Well, to this pointless self-inflicted punishment I say enough! I will make a promise to myself tonight, that I will never blame myself again for something I had no control over. I will never blame myself again because a man decided not to love me. I have tried so hard all my life to control my destiny and my own life, that I absurdly thought I could actually control who loves me and how they love me as well. This is just ridiculous and makes absolutely no sense. Besides, I am the one who's always preaching to my friends about how "you should never force love". And here I've been forcing the crap out of it.

So listen up men of the world: I will never change who I am or what I stand for because I was made this way for a reason. And as long as I don't hurt anyone in the process I will continue to be strong, confident, attractive, funny, caring, honest, open, loving, passionate, emotional and sometimes even irrational. Because all of these characteristics make me the person that someone will hopefully one day want to LOVE.

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