Who, what, when, where, why and how?
‘Who’ comes first because nothing else matters more.
Who you’re with makes all the difference. I went on a date to a restaurant and I loved the place! “This is my new favorite restaurant.” I thought. Randomly, I went to the very same restaurant with a different date the very next night and I did not enjoy myself. Not even the food was as good. So did I really love the restaurant or was it just the company I was with that made it so great?
If the who is so important, what’s my ‘who’? Who do people see me as? Lately, and frustratingly it’s The Mormon. On this blog, sure that’s exactly who I am but in real life I’m an actual human and so many other things too!
I’ve gone out with guys where it’s all they want to talk about. Every time the subject changes they bring it back to my life as a Mormon. This happens.all.the.time.
When it didn’t happen in my last relationship, when I could just be me and not have to talk about religion constantly he finally brought it up and said, “If it’s such an important part of your life then why don’t you ever talk about it?” I was trying to not bombard him with it but it came off like I was hiding it from him.
Oops. I need to find the balance somehow.
The Masochist and I were gchatting about the men in our lives, all of whom have nicknames. My favorite, being one of the Masochist’s we call “Gay Hater” (which may not even be true). What are our nicknames to their friends we wondered?
I’m certain I’m referred to as “The Mormon” – OR if they don’t know that about me yet “The Sexy Redhead”.
When I meet a new guy I dread the moment when it comes up that I’m Mormon. Not because I’m ashamed of it. But because that’s all I’ll be to him from then on. I’m no longer a woman, I’m a Mormon. I just have to keep searching for a guy who will ‘take’ me anyway.
Masochist (noun) a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.
Crap. Writing the description down makes it more real and painful. Have you ever considered yourself a masochist? I believe it is only in relationships that I can identify with the definition. I don’t like the pain, but I don’t run from it either. I’m addicted to the highs and destroyed by the lows. Hi, my name is — and I’m an an addict.
Sugar: “It’s not how long it takes, it’s who’s taking you.”
This statement is quite true. The Mormon and I have discussed many times, at length, the rights and wrongs committed by men. Faults in one man can be an asset in another. It is all based on our feelings for them. For example, if the wrong guy texts me multiple times a day with compliments I get freaked out and turned off. If the guy I was interested in did, then I would fall harder. This simply proves that there are no rules to be followed. Whatever choice you make will be ‘right’ because that person likes you back, not because it was a good choice by society’s standards.
An example on my sick and twisted mind; I’d been out with a man a few times who was nice. The conversation was pleasant and his respect for me was quite high, though the laughter lacked. He was making the same bromidic moves I’d been bored with before Sadly, I’d been thinking of someone else the entire time. Someone I hadn’t heard from. Someone I wished was out with me that night. Someone who made my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Someone I saw the next day to get my masochistic fix. My drug. I took a hit and the pain went away. But time went on and I didn’t hear from him again. I began to twitch, crave and struggle. The withdrawal made me feel numb and terribly despondent.
You can’t control who you have feelings for, so how do you protect yourself after you’ve made those feelings clear? I hate the pain. It is about more than going out with a ‘good guy.’ Personally, I can’t spend time with someone for whom I don’t feel a physical, emotional and intellectual passion.
Relationships take work. I’m realizing that in my relationship with myself, while trying to take myself to a place of sobriety. Time it will take, but hopefully along the way I’ll find someone strong enough to go with me, picking each other up from the relapses.