I just turned 40. It really doesn’t matter how good I look if I don’t know squat about myself. I am the expert on ME even though I have made a practice of fighting myself on a daily basis. But, the other day I woke up and literally thought “I am so tired of THINKING! I just want to FEEL!”
Where does one start when they want to feel? I remember that scene in The Holiday where Cameron Diaz tried to force herself to cry and she couldn’t..she also described herself as a complicated wreck ..and I can relate to that sometimes too. It turns out the next day that my grandmother died. I cried, for the first time in awhile and now I’m back on track with the feelings…
See, the problem has been that I have been told over the years that how I am is not right. Apparently I am hostile, angry, moody ,tired, hungry, fat, etc. Even as a child, I knew that wasn’t correct. It just isn’t true! Like most of us, I developed a nagging voice in the back of my psyche, which as it turns out, was not MY voice. It was the soundtrack to someone else’s life playing in my mind. After fighting against my natural beliefs and tendencies, along with fighting off the poison arrows of doubt coming to me from others, I decided the only way to win is to just go with my natural self. Hey world, this is who I am… take it or leave it. Yes, I may seem like a complicated wreck to some, but I think its kind of an endearing quality (shrug). Its high time to own me…What is my true nature?
1) I am a walking contradiction. Call it Gemini nature or whatever you like, but some days I like it classy, some days raucous and loud. Some days, I want a partner and some days I want to be left alone to luxuriate in random reality shows, baths and champagne. Some hours I am strong and some days I am weak. I am equally happy eating tortas from a food truck on the city corner among heroin dealers as I am having high tea at a 4 star hotel.
2) I like things that women aren’t “supposed” to like. I love boxing, watching Storage Wars and Dog the Bounty Hunter with my boys, going adventuring in the rainforest and drinking margaritas made with mescal. I also like “women” stuff- high thread count sheets, cooking, sparkly things, watching the Kardashians and cupcakes.
3) I am a fighter. I fight injustice, hypocrisy, bullshit and lies. I will call it like I see it. So that makes me angry? Cool! A man would probably be labeled “passionate.”
4) I am sarcastically funny. Can’t change it. Humor can save a life. It’s a maladaptive coping skill. But I like it.
5) I refuse to be unhappy. This means I often don’t abide by the “shoulds” of life. That also means, I piss people off because I don’t live up to their expectations.
6) I am a fantastic mom. I have taught my boys to love cooking, they have straight As and participate in activities which they love. I am not a scheduled mom, I am inconsistent in a lot of areas and I don’t brush their hair for them like their dad does (they are 9 and 13, come on). But, I think they will survive and in the future they will be able to hold jobs which help them afford their own therapy to deal with me. Sounds like success.
7) I sorta believe in the romantic notion of a soul mate. (Translation: I’m single.) I fall fast. I believe in the goodness of people. I also feel horrible when I have to break the heart of someone sincere because there isn’t that IT factor; I crave their existence next to me, I am truly able to be myself, I love who they are, we calm and inspire each other and the passion about multiple things is undeniable. Again, I don’t fall for the “shoulds.” I may hang in there a little too long to see if the IT factor is there…but sometimes ITS not. I just sure believe in its existence though…
8) I am open minded. If it makes people happy, then I’m all for it.
9) I get bored and distracted easily. In other words, I multi-task.
10) Sometimes I get anxious and overwhelmed.
11) I love my career.
12) I realize that my life is a gift and it my mission to die having lived, not died trying to live according to how others think I am supposed to.
Now, onward and upward to another amazing 40 years!!!!!!!!
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