I was on a break

3 years ago

A surgery break.  Damn knee.  Got it all cut up and corrected.  Healing time.

Still divorcing.  Still trying to figure out HOW to finish this divorce.  Move on….be done.

I think there are some misconceptions — no, I don’t want to fix it.  I think I addressed that in another blog.  There’s nothing to fix.  Nowhere to go but forward.  Alone.

Alone isn’t scary for me.  Alone isn’t desolate for me.  Alone is ok.  Why?  I have my boys.   My family.  My friends.  I have a giant cushion of support and love.

So people see “awwwww, she’s alone”.

I see “She is free and will be happy”.

I didn’t realize how my life wasn’t so happy, until I was alone.  No, I didn’t know what he was doing.  No, I didn’t know he had other plans.  No, I didn’t know that he didn’t love me.  No, I didn’t know his hidden stuff.

No, I didn’t.  And I’m slightly irritated some people think I did.

I loved him.  I didn’t see a need to check on his friends on Facebook and Twitter.  To check his phone.  To check on his every move.  I didn’t.

Why?  Trust.  Married and trusting.  That was me.  Is that my fault?  Nope.  It’s my character.  People learn new crap everyday.  Me?  I learned that all that angst wasn’t me.  It was him.  And the hiding.

Do I wish he didn’t lie?  Not really.  We aren’t the couple I thought we were.  He’s not the person I thought he was.  I’m worth more than that.

Than being unhappy and wondering why.  Than looking for answers and it wasn’t ME.

IT WASN’T ME.

Nope…not me.  I believed in vows.  I didn’t break them.  Even when things began to be crap for last few years, I knew I had taken a vow.  I had boys to raise.  Work to do.  Nose down keep plowing on.

While my nose was down, he was busy.  Who knew?  Not me.  I guess others did — might have been nice to inform me, FYI.  I would inform someone, a friend, if I knew this stuff I’ve learned.  Oh well….

Lesson — I didn’t know, but I do now.  And I’m getting away.

It was way before our kids came into this world.  I had no idea deception could go on for 16 years.  Maybe he was tired of it and finally told me.  Maybe he just listened to someone and decided to be “free”.  Whatever…might have been nice to know a while ago — before I learn of more ugliness daily.  To hurt me more and more.

No more hurt – it is what it is.

And it’s done.

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