I don't want to know. Well, I already know but I just don't want to hear it out loud.

4 years ago

I'm feeling a little sad today.  I guess part of me hoped that after a year, with time to reflect, and with the opportunity for reconcilliation out there that my ex husband would want to try again.  He hasn't out and out said that he is not interested with words but that is what he means.  I have prayed and fasted and talked to him a lot about everything and he keeps saying that he doesn't think he can ever be what I need.  I guess I have to take him at his word.  I tried for 7 years to get him to just not lie to me and to do what he said he was going to do.  On one hand I feel ok because I never asked anything from him that wasn't biblical or frankly just common sense.  On the other hand it is so hard to believe that he is unwilling to do such simple things.  He asked me if I could understand and really I answered him that I'll never understand.  I don't begrudge him or hold any ill will towards him but I can't understand it.  Why he married a 34 year old woman with two small children- one less than 2 years old if you weren't serious about being a head of that household.   I knew his health issues, travel demands, work schedule, ect and made the decision that those were things that I could deal with and would accept as part of our marriage.  I guess I feel dooped and a little foolish.  I really thought he would choose differently.  I guess I didn't know him very well.  So I am sad about it.  I still feel like I am his wife- body, heart, and mind.  I suppose that will fade with time.  I guess I just mourn what we could have been.  What we could be.  I can't want it for the both of us though.  I have to trust that God has a better plan for me.  It is definitely one I cannot see now but I know it will come to fruition.  I just hope He will fill my heart and take away some of this pain.  I am doing what I know how to do.  I exercise daily, read my bible for 30 minutes and am eating healthy.  I want to be a little better ever day than the one before.  I try to be sensitive to what God would have me do each day.  I know they are small things but it's all I can come up with.       

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