Here goes Blog Number One

8 years ago

That was a lot of options for what this rambling blog is about.  And to be honest, I don't know where it will take me.  This is my first time using this site, so please, stick it out with me. 

What I know today is. I am not happy.  I made a monumental mistake for me, but I believe it's what is best for my son.  I can't go back and change it. There is no way. 

I was living a fun, entertaining life in Los Angeles, dating my on again off again love of my life. He was bad for me. I loved that man with all my heart. All my soul. And he cheated on me.  I chose to forgive, like so many of us do. And things were good for a while.  Truth be told, he was still cheating and just doing a better job hiding it.  Anyhow, we're back on at this point. I started a great job working for the best entertainment company I could ever work for. I loved it. The day I got that job I was so happy.  And two weeks later....pregnancy test taken....pregnancy test positive. 

Cutting to the point of today and realizing I am at rock bottom. No, not rock bottom, I'm below the lowest rock where the worms live. 

I stuck it out in LA.  Knowing my wonderful son's father would never come around. But I stayed because I loved my job, and I had hope that he would one day snap out of his selfish funk and be a Daddy.  Well. Never happened.

We pack up our little apartment and head back home to Minnesota.  I am thinking, sure this sucks. But I have friends and family there. Colton (my son) deserves to have a family. More than just me.  And I'm sure I'll find a job and we can start a new life. I'll meet a new man. All will be well.

That was in July. And here I sit. No job. Not dating. Still living with my parents. At 28. Living with parents.

I can't find a job to save my life. I couldn't even begin to think about dating someone since I am still stupidly in love with my son's father (not that he deserves it, I just can't get myself to move on). Plus, I can only imagine the long lines of fellas wanting to date me..."Hi, I'm an unemployed single mother, living with her parents....aren't I a catch??" 

So, today I sat around crying on and off about just how miserable I truly am.  But, I don't want to be.  There is a lot in my life I need to change. And I need to start with those dysfunctional idiots I let control my moods. 

Right now I talk to my son's father (at least through text) every day.  And I need to stop.  I don't know why, but I am holding on to him because I want him to be a Daddy to our son.  He lives in LA, I in Minnesota, and yet I want him to realize what an amazing son he has and be there for us. 

I adore my friends. All of them. But they are all coupled. Every one of them.  Being out with all couples seems to attract more couples.  Plus, I find myself getting annoyed and fed up with the, "oh baby, what do you want to eat baby...hon, what do you want to drink..." blaa blaa blaa oooey gooey talk. Can't hear it anymore.

My plan for now isn't a big one. But I need something to change.

I submit resumes every single day. And nothing. Still unemployed.

I can't just wake up tomorrow and know that Alex (Colton's Dad) is no good for me. That can only happen with time. 

I adore my friends and I don't want to stop hanging out with them because they are married...

So for now my plan is to join a gym.  It sounds so simple. So boring. But, it gets me out of the house. It helps me meet new people. And for now the one aspect of my life I can control is me and my body.  I will work on that and get in shape while losing my last ten pounds of baby weight. Hopefully meet new people and have some fun along the way. 

First blog done. Hopefully if anyone actually read the whole thing you weren't too terribly bored and hopefully the next one will have something positive to talk about. 

 

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