This week’s column is one giant sad trombone coming out of my pants. Sorry for the TMI but I used to be a total sex person (didn't we all?) and now I'm a born-again virgin (not really, but … you know). Someone asked that I address post-baby sex, and to be honest, I don't really want to because what is there to say?
I don't really care?
I'm over it?
The answer, sadly, is ALL OF THE ABOVE.
OK, so that's a slight exaggeration, I will admit. Sex is still a thing that happens but it is a thing that happens FAR less than it used to and, yes, I am incredibly tired and overworked and everything in my life is piling up. But beyond that, I'm just ... not that interested at the moment.
Being overworked and overextended, exhaustion and being exhausted is a huge part of why sex isn’t my biggest priority at the moment EXCEPT IT HAS TO BE, which makes me feel like I want to rebel against sex and be a nun. Because for me, as soon as it becomes something I feel I HAVE to do versus WANT to do, it feels like another chore to do before crashing.
Except it isn’t just me in this nunnery, you know?
I mean, what the hell is wrong with me? Sex used to be my favorite. Is it four kids that killed my libido? Has my body recognized that there will be no more babies coming out of it therefore it wants nothing to do with anything mildly sexual? I mean, is that a thing? Is it because, thanks to my Copper IUD, I am seemingly always on my period? (That didn’t use to stop me. Not even close.)
I have become the cliché I have been resisting since first becoming a parent.
"I will always be game for sex," I said. "I am the freakiest freak."
And once upon a time I was.
Oh, dear past self …
So what to do? Go on more dates? Take on lovers? Watch more porn? Procure a sex swing? Experiment with body paint*? Sexting?
Anyway, I am turning to you, dear readers. Lend me your ears and stories of romp. What is your advice for keeping sex solid and happening after many years and many children (or one)?
Or maybe you are one of those people who are, like, "MY SEX LIFE IS EVEN BETTER AFTER 16 KIDS! We do not have to work at it, we just can’t keep our hands off each other." In which case, I really want to know your secrets. PLEASE SHARE YOUR SECRETS.
In the meantime, I’m with Megan Fox … except for the whole “not eating carbs” thing.
*Do you guys watch "Gigolos"? It's the only show we watch these days. We're a season behind but quickly catching up. For my birthday, Hal got me an autographed portrait of Brace, but because there was a misunderstanding down at the Braceland autograph factory, Brace signed it to Hal instead of me, which makes it even better.
Oh! And I am excited to add that we now have a special place to submit queries for future columns and it's: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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