He still doesn't get it!

4 years ago

My ex husband still doesn't get it.  He has no clue why we divorced.  He tells me that I didn't want him in my life and that's why.  I still want him in my life.  I miss him.  I miss the good parts of our relationship.  I even miss the mundane stuff.  Part of me wants to try and explain the immense pain and agony that this has caused me and how his unwillingness to turn away from gambling, lying and selfishness to stay in our marriage has dented my self esteem and soul.  But I don't think he would get it.  He still says he only did all that because his body was falling apart and he couldn't find mental relief anywhere.  His body was falling apart- but we knew that ahead of time and were planning for the day and getting our finances in order so that when he could no longer work it would not devestate us.  Of course some of the stress could have been that he wasn't following our financial plan and lying about it.  I didn't know about the gambling or the refinancing of assets.  I can see how all of that made his life uncomfortable and stressful.  But all I can see is that he didn't have to do any of that.  If he would have been faithful to his word and walked the road we agreed to walk with me by his side he wouldn't have had all that stress.  It is pointless to even think about now of course.  He made his choice to keep on gambling and lying.  I made mine- to be alone but without mental anguish.  I fully imagine that I will be alone the rest of my life- other than friends and kids.  I don't forsee a partner in my future and I knew that when I divorced.  I'm pretty sure he is already dating and at least he lives far enough away that I don't have to see it.  How quickly he has moved on.  At least I don't have to live every day wondering what he did or what he might have lied about or any of that anymore.  He puts out such a presence of being a good guy.  And to strangers or friends he is!  Why wasn't it worth it to be a "good guy" to the one he were married to?  Even after he left I secretly hoped he would come back and tell me ..."I have gone to GA for 6 months...I have paid such and such off...I want another chance...I was wrong and dishonest...take your time but forgive me...whatever it takes I want us back."   That never happened.  He just occasionally pops back up and stirs up the remaining heartache then goes back to his new life content in the knowledge that "I just didn't want him in my life anymore."    

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