It's over. But before you can heal, you need to make some promises to yourself. Raise your hand and repeat after me:
I, [state your name], do hereby solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy ex-girlfriend. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. Therefore, I vow the following:I will not call him.
No matter what good or bad news I think he ought to hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I'll have a friend do that, preferably via e-mail.
Photo by Bryan Rosengrant. (Flickr)I will not e-mail him.
Not even an innocent and rather funny group e-mail forward. I will not e-mail him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all.I will not frequent the places I know he goes to.
I won't -- even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy.
I will not, even if they have my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he'll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house and am dating George Clooney (or the regional equivalent thereof).I will screen all of my calls.
I will get called ID, if necessary, and put private call block on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and I am sure it's not him. All other calls will go to voicemail.I will not take his phone calls.
I repeat, I will not take his calls.I will not return his phone calls or e-mails.
If he is "just checking" to see how I am, I will know he is really just checking to see if I think he's a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with "I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together."I will not look for signs that we will get back together.
This includes asking a Magic 8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.I will not believe this is temporary.
I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple's therapy.I will not hide under a rock.
I will not be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing thaty ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.
I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty (30) days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and it has nothing to do with him.
This I do affirm, so help me Me.
Sandra Ann Miller is an L.A. native who splits her time between working on movies and books. This post is an excerpt from her brilliant break-up book A Sassy Little Guide to Getting Over Him. She's been described as Chuck Norris for the heart.