The Girrrl's Guide to Online Dating Profile Writing

6 years ago

Here’s your story: you are newly single or have been single for your whole life. Your friends and parents all too often ask you when you’re going to “find someone” and caution you about being “too picky.” You don’t really think you are picky; it’s just that the four guys you typically run into in a workday are not prime “man” material. So, you talk to your friend who has been doing some online dating. You’ve heard her stories and thought to yourself “Thank God. At least I’m not having to deal with all of that!” as you secretly were wishing you WERE dealing with all of that!

  So, one night after getting bored with other people’s “reality” shows, you hop on the computer to secretly check out one of those sites your friend was talking about. What was the name of it again? E-Harmony?

 So you search through some profiles and you see one guy who looks like your soul mate! You read his profile and discover that you both are really into communication,  sushi, comedy and sports! Woo hoo!! So you think, “That really could be the man for me! Maybe  it IS fate that I was having a shitty night and I logged on here and here is 'NYGolfer’ just waiting for me. What are the odds?” So you go get your purse out of the kitchen, pull out your credit card out and sign-up.

 Next, you log on and discover that you have to write a profile. Why?  Crap, all you wanted to do was email Mr. McHottie and now you’re writing a Master’s thesis about yourself.

Now the online dating (or I like to call it “on-lie dating”) experience has begun. You will  soon learn it is a part-time job for which you never actually get paid.

  What is the best way to prepare yourself for this experience of online dating? How do you write your profile?


Online Profile Writing

Profile writing is hard work. You have to sell yourself and that is one of the hardest things to attempt. In fact, I know some people who have gone to a counselor to ask for help specifically for this purpose. 

I suggest you look at men’s profiles. See what you like, what you don’t. Don’t be tempted to copy someone’s profile; looking will help you ease your anxiety though. Disclaimer: looking at other women’s profiles and pictures may potentially increase your anxiety. I tried looking at a few but then I thought the women all looked like supermodels , so I hit the back arrow right away. I can sell myself! I stand alone, who cares what those ladies look like?? Oh, wait, you ARE those other ladies! So go on with your lovely looking selves!

 Step1-Your screen name. How to choose? This is a hard one. I went the safe route and chose the first letters of four of my friends’ names and a number.  I don’t think it’s necessarily wise to choose a name like ‘Hotmama4U,” or “Call4agoodtime” or even “Scrapbooklvr.”  At least if you do, then don’t email me with bewildered tales of woe about what kind of men you attract.

Step 2- Your tag line. I’m not sure of the purpose of this, except to torture us, but I do know that if I had paid careful attention to some of the tag lines of men I have dated, I wouldn’t have dated them. A shining example is “Experience the joy of a $15 date.” This is the guy who upon receiving the lunch bill, took out eight crumply dollars out of his wallet and asked me to pay the rest. More on him later.

Step 3- Your profile. My suggestions are as follows:

  •       DO include clear photos. Include current face and body shots. I was told by one man that a woman can have a pretty face but men are afraid they have an ass the size of Africa. Plus, I don’t want to be trying to decipher some photo that looks like a fuzzy sighting of Bigfoot in California, do you? If you don’t think you are too attractive, that’s ok. There are men out there who will find you to be adorable. Be proud of who you are.
  •     Do NOT go on and on about how special your kids are and how they are the center of your universe and that if the men doesn’t understand that they can jump off a cliff. Men get that already.
  • Do NOT include pictures of your dog, cats, or gerbils. Men don’t care about that. Nor do they care about your vacation photos.
  • Do NOT include pictures of you and your ex-boyfriend/husband. That’s just bad judgment and that’s just weird.
  • Do NOT start a profile with “I don’t know why I’m on here…” Really? If you don’t have a clue why you’re on a dating website, neither does the guy.
  • PLEASE spell correctly. There ain’t no excuse for bad spelling and grammar.
  • Do NOT use GlamourShots. Men know that you don’t look like Megan Fox or Halle Berry, especially in the morning.
  • PLEASE, for the sake of your reputation and our progress as women, do NOT include pictures of your breasts. Lordisa!!
  • Be upfront with any disabilities you may have. I have heard stories from men and women who say that they met someone who had a nice face shot and a nice profile and in person discovered they were paraplegic (they submitted an old photo). I am not saying there is anything wrong with having different abilities, but its only fair to be upfront about it. Besides, why would you want to shock someone you want to build a relationship with? There will be someone out there who loves you for who you are, but you have to be honest.
  • DO write an entertaining and unique profile. Be creative and don’t ramble on about how you love scrap booking and shoe shopping- no one gives a crap and it implies you are brainless.(Oh no, here come the crabby emails again!)
  • DO include your fabulous hobbies- scuba, trekking across the Kalahari, playing sports, feeding the homeless, etc. Point out examples of how you are such a well-rounded and amazing woman and they will be thrilled to have just a few moments of your time (even if you don’t feel like it). (Except the guy I just got off the phone with who says he won’t have coffee with me because he insists on a night date. He must be a vampire.) Plus it says to men that you are capable of leading a fascinating life without them and that, my dear, makes you more desirable. They believe that if you are off playing tennis or diving that you won’t have time to nag them about sitting on the couch scratching their balls.

Just write it up, maybe have a trusted friend review it and submit it!

 Now: DO NOT STARE AT THE COMPUTER FOR RESPONSES! You put yourself out there and that is an accomplishment! Mr. Right may not come along in the next 15 minutes, but you are taking a first brave step toward an adventure! At the very least I bet you will make a few new friends.


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