Gay marriage ended my marriage

4 years ago

I want to start off by stating…I am a lesbian.  I have been a Lesbian since the day I was born! I am happy being me and I am 100% “Out” in this vast green grass, blue water, all of us are unique world! I have a great job, I have an awesome group of friends, I run an outdoor adventure club just for giggles and I love my life!


It was a rainy day in June 2010 and my partner and I headed out from our home to celebrate our wedding day! Small, according to today’s standards, we invited 100 family and close friends to wish us well on our magical day.

We had 3 flower girls, because you can’t leave any little princess out, but no attendants.  We did however get married in our home church, with two pastors, and Jesus smiling down on us. It was an amazing day!  We had a mainstream life with both straights and gays surrounding us in joy and congratulations. We had been through so much to get to that point, including my Love’s Step-Father passing away just days before.  Oh, and yes…it was illegal for us to get married, but we didn’t care. We would call each other “wife” and live our lives just as any other couple.  

My parents attended our wedding (separately) and I knew my father supported our blessed event, because he wore his favorite NASCAR T-shirt!  My sister wore white, she and I are not close, and my mother hung on to my step-dad for dear life.  She felt her Catholic God would find out she was at my wedding and end her life on the drive home…didn’t happen.  We have amazing photos from that day and memories full of joy and hope for the future!

Needless to say, Marriage is WORK! Lots and Lots of work!  Two broken girls, from broken families, trying to live a Whole life. In all ways possible, I saw myself as married.  I changed my last name to match hers, gave up most of my single friends, tried to fit into her family and world and pushed to make everything an "us." The answering machine message, our charity giving, our Christmas cards, and all the other things that seem better together.  We did the best we could.  We could tackle any issue – together, except one or maybe two. We knew we were in trouble, but just tried to ignore it and be a married couple.

In 2012 we fought HARD to defeat the marriage Amendment that was put to a vote. We made phone calls, held speaker events, gave cold hard cash, put out our yard sign and were great little worker bees.  In all honesty, I didn’t think we would win and we went to bed on election night, separate bedrooms at this point (issue one and two were growing bigger).  The next morning as I got ready for the day – I wept when I saw that the people of MN, by a very narrow margin, said they would not discriminate further against its people with the laws of MN!

We thought that would be the end…but the Governor and the Democratic Party felt this was the time for the big equal marriage push and VIOLA Gay Marriage became legal in our State in 2013! A glorious day! We celebrated, we went for a beautiful dinner, we laughed and drank, and said we were so happy! Our friends called and congratulated us and asked when we would re-up, renew, all wanted to be invited, all were already planning what to wear! It would be a fabulous event! We received many suggestions on how we should renew our vows and we decided in the overwhelmingness (made up) of it, we would just wait the one year until our anniversary and do it on that day.  It made sense to not have two wedding anniversaries. It made perfect sense! Or maybe it made the best sense we could come up with on short notice to satisfy the masses.

One afternoon we were discussing/arguing about issue #1 or maybe #2 or maybe #3 and  my lovely wife looked at me and asked a very simple question…”Would you marry me again?” and I responded with a very quick “Of course!” But it started a ball rolling that neither of us had dared even think about.  Would we marry again? Do you know the saying, “If I knew then what I know now…”We had no spark left.  We were in separate bedrooms, we weren't finding time for any intimacy, I was emotionally shut down, and she was angry. We both had many outside interests, we both felt lonely, we both had felt intimacy was the last thing on our we decided we were the best of friends and that was enough. Most couples are just best friends…right? My grandparents didn’t share a bedroom. Of course, they were 70. Were they happy? Were we happy enough? Or did we just exist.

To counseling we went. Months and months of counseling and with the counselor’s help realized we weren’t in love.  We love each other deeply, but we didn’t have passion and without the passion we had both started to shut down and back away from spousal duties.  We found we were perfectly miserable until Marriage Equality came along and held a mirror to our relationship and cocked a shotgun to force us back to the alter.

How many people get a do-over on their marriage?  If your marriage was all of a sudden void and you were given the chance to do it all again, would you?  I don’t mean not have your kids, or not have each other in your lives, but would you marry your spouse again?

Now what:

We have a 10 month lease to finish out and a financial responsibility to each other. We are also emotionally connected and neither of us wants to hurt the other.  We spent 4 years building each other up, why would we tear it all apart now? Neither of us is angry, no one cheated; no one has a gambling addiction, hoards cats, and so NOW WHAT! 

What do we call ourselves? Roommates, Exs, Friends, Ugh!

When is our official day of divorce? The day I change my name back? A phantom day out of the air? Was our marriage a phantom marriage?

How do I tell my family!?! 

How do I heal and move forward?

I am undateable - my goodness, I live with my Ex!

This will be an interesting 10 months…

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