As I search for the person within I have again and again come back to My childhood
like lightning on the night sky snippets flick in rapid succession - I hope to trap those images on these pages:
When asked what was my first childhood memory I had to dig - a scramble of my memories and the memories of my family jumble together some stand out in my mind with others slipping like silent waves upon the shore
The living room decorated for Christmas - white plastic chain with bells circle a silver tree - round and round goes the colored wheel changing the shadows of the house shrouded in grief. My arms - the arms of a 5 year old child wrapped around My elderly great grandmother her world so irrevocably changed. Her grand son, grand son in law, her grand daughter, 2 great grand children and grand daughter in law to be had been in an accident Just a few days before Christmas - while traveling to shop for gifts - all but one died. Her body unidentifiable - who's child had lived? My grandmother who had held me many times now needed me - I remember telling her it would be alright. I had no idea how wrong I was. Just writing this snippets flash - coming home and seeing my pig butchered, hanging from a tree. Reality is so much less romantic. Worms! Worms in the fridge, worms crawling up through the earth as my Great grandpa sent electricity downward. Peonies - huge blossoms - blooms bigger than my hands.!
Many of these have no conscious feel of an age but as I look at them they feel the same. Running up a the hill from grandmas to the post office where boxes of baby chicks stood stacked awaiting a farmer. Huge safety pins with hides inside out, holes for the eyes, and having my very own squirrel nail to clean squirrels, but no memory of ever doing it. Tho I seem to know how to do it very well. How we had to wash our feet before getting in grandmas bed - she always had on sox and never went without shoes.
I remember grandma sat in a rocker on the front porch and drank freska. I remember bats at dusk flying like flies around the lights. Huge turtles in trash cans, jars of cabbage we buried in the ground. Learning to make bread and still knowing how after so long. To cook as I stood on a chair. Following grandpa when he went fishing and seeing huge pink birds and birds with pink spots. Of cars on the ice - time standing still for so long before again things slip past..
I remember going to the Dr as a child about 5 or 6 and taking my barbie. Apparently I had vaginal bleeding - I remember asking the Dr to look at her first. Then remember looking at the barbie but not the exam. Tho my mother was with me rarely does she show up in my memories. I remember my grandma in a dress - slippers and an apron, a sweater around her shoulders. Grandpa in overalls with his fork and knife that we did not touch or wash. I remember he told me the yoke was for the birds, and feeding it to them every morning. I remember when they told me he died. In a rapid fast forward I remember the first time my step dad touched me. I also remember the last. I remember the day my great grandmother died. How my life was changed yet again. So many memories and so many gaps.
So much love and hurt and hate. I am grateful for the outlet.
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