First Blog Ever, needed an outlet

4 years ago

Hello everyone, You will all have to excuse my spelling and such, it has never been a stong point for me! I am a almost 25 year old "single" mother of two. I have been trying to think of something to do with my free time that I would enjoy and I thought why not try blogging?! I have read many over the past year that have helped me get through some bad days, maybe I can do the same for someone. I may be a little all over the place with this post, so I will say SORRY! now. 

My husband left my house a little over a year ago, leaving my home fulltime with a (then) one and three year old. We had some issues, he had a hard time talking to me and I had no problem speaking for both of us all the time. The bigger issue is he wanted nothing to do with me or us but still wanted me to be at his every call when he needed me. I, hoping he would come home soon, was ok with it. He would (and continues to) come and go as he wishes. He leaves for a few days then will come and spend the night for a week, then hes gone for a few days to a week. Not to mention that because of his work there is atleast a weekend, if not one whole week, each month he is away.

I have gone through many stages of feelings, and sorry to report, so have my children. Especially my oldest. As much as I would like to blame everything on my husband (and did at first) it takes two. I started really trying to do things better and focus on trying to fix things with my husband, to my surprise at the time, he still wanted nothing to do with me. Though he did request that I keep staying home with our children. So here is a man who has two apartments, two sets of utilities, two grocery bills ect. and I am just supposed to be ok with sitting here playing house when and if he wants. I was raised to be a strong, independent person. Now please don't get me wrong, I appreciate and love the fact I get to be with my children, but it still eats away at me. 

My Children have had ups and downs. I don't like to lie to them but I don't like to hurt them either. The have known that daddy has his own place, but its hard for them to grasp seeing as though whenever he wants to spend time with them he comes to our house. The sad truth behind this is he is really not able to care for them without help. I have gone away for a few days before and he has always had to rely on help from my parents or siblings. (I mean I am thankful he gets help and doesn't make them suffer in anyway but REALLY??)They ask for him a lot at times that he doesn't call or show up when he has said he would. I usually tell them he is still working, 50% lie 50% truth. I just don't know what to say to that? "Sorry kids, daddy is just a lying jerk" ...NO. My oldest will confront him about it lately. There have been a few times in the past few months that I have told him not to promise them things, he does, then doesn't show up or call. Before I would be upset because I would have to break my plans or much needed time out to stay home. Then one day 6 moths ago I grew up. My oldest, after not seeing daddy for two days said " Daddy you lied to me, you didn't come" BROKE MY HEART! But at the same time I needed it to happen. Don't get me wrong, my children have always come first, but I think it was then that I realized that he was hurting the three of us not just me. I have become more aware of the saying "You can hurt me but if you hurt my children, your DONE"

He refuses to see a councler, saying that "theropy is only for people who can not work through things themselves". HELLO!! I think we more than qualify!! I asked him to come back for the last time in July. He told me no, he would rather wait to get a bigger place with enough bedrooms (we each have a 2 bedroom) all together in september. This was reasonable to me, we had two sets of everything now so it might make things a little easier to move if we took a few to figure things out. Well I started collecting boxes and saving papers ... he didn't do a thing. I started cleaning out old things we didn't need/use and going through everything ... he did nothing. I started looking at places ... he looked but did nothing.  So I sat down and thought about things for a few weeks, I tried talking to him and tried to get him to just stay at our house, even if he didn't "move in". Needless to say he didn't. 

The more I thought, the more I came to realize that at this point, the only reason I wanted him home was for the kids. Now I love my children but I dont think it is healthy to stay with him just for them. Heck, it might be bad for them! He came to me 2 days before Thanksgiving and asked to come back, I told him no. I don't think we are the same people anymore. We are fine as friends but I do not think we would make good partners anymore. I am pretty old fashion and plain, he has become so metro and materialistic. For example, I love fresh picked flowers. I have always told him the way to my heart is a quiet dinner with no phones or tvs and hand picked flowers. In SEVEN years I have never had a quiet dinner with him and the first flowers I have ever been given were delivered the day before Thanksgiving. Not just one but two bouquets!! They were beautiful and I loved them but they were big and expensive. Whenever anything goes wrong he tries to buy my love. How do I make him understand that although gifts are thoughtful and beautiful, thats not what I want. I have told him so many times and he still just doesn't understand. 

I do love him and always will, I just think it's time for both of us to go our own ways without eachother. Keep raising our kids as a team and together but ... apart.

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