No Happily Ever After
Like changing of the seasons, I can feel the things continuing to change with “us”. It is not the same and it never will be the same. There have been lots of “events” that could have been what turned the tide but I also think it’s the slow insidious process of realization that the fairy tale doesn’t exist. I have had several “Come to Jesus” conversations with him in my head but it always seems like life/crap gets in the way-or I chicken out. It is so hard to bring up problems when things are good. Even when I know he is betraying me. I.am.pathetic.
7 months of this strangeness, of this wondering and hoping and dreaming for the fairy tale to come back. You can find dozens of articles and books on relationships and what makes a great relationship. LOVE-I know I love him and I know he loves me; I do not doubt our love. SUPPORT-he has held me up through the hardest time in my life and I have tried to be his biggest cheerleader. HONESTY- I wonder every day whether today he is telling me the truth and if he will ever tell me the truth. Will I be able to believe him when he does decide to tell me the truth. When you lie about some things, one always wonders what else is being lied about. There are times I just want to scream at him “YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR”! TRUST-is the biggest joke of all in this relationship. When you have been lied to and betrayed over and over just what does it take to get trust back? Can it ever be completely recovered? I don’t know the answer. I know what I wish for. It will be a long row to hoe for sure and I’m not even sure he would make the effort.
Is it better to know the truth even though it hurts beyond belief and makes you feel crazy and betrayed? Is it better to be a blind sheep-to live a lie-being talked about behind your back (with the other woman), lied to by the one you love but still believing in that love and knowing you are a fool-that you will never be the only one in their heart until you grow a set (of balls) and MAKE them stop? I know my boyfriend would love it if I would just “leave it alone” (head in the sand). He is very defensive of he and his “friend”’s little fantasy bubble. He gets angry when anything is brought up or when I “know” something. I will not try to make excuses but I do want to know what makes him feel like he cannot survive without this woman? Why am I, the woman he says he loves with every fiber of his being, not enough? He tries to play “her” off as “just a friend” but there is NO other friend male or female that he keeps a secret and none that he goes so far out of his way to speak to and see. And none he talks to like her-I don’t think there is any woman (or man) in the world, in a relationship, that would be ok with the things that have been said between them. I told him I am your “consolation prize” because you really want her. It makes me feel useless and like I am not even worth telling the truth to. I looked back in my dream journal and I think all of my dreams that I can remember here lately have to do something with loneliness or being alone. I know I fear being alone, being left. At what point do you force yourself to face facts? I AM alone because HE is not 100% invested in the relationship. He wants me to “just believe” he loves me AND let him carry on this bullshit with his “friend”. All it would take is for him to really really be honest with me about her and let me see their conversations DON’T say something to her that you don’t want me to know about (because then it’s probably not “ok” to say-right?). I know from what I have seen already why he doesn’t want me to see them. I asked him one time why you would say those things to her when you would not say them in front of me. There was always some lame-ass excuse or reason. As far as I know, he is still telling her “love you” and “miss you” and other bullshit. How he thinks of her every day and will for the rest of his life. How he wants to run away and be happy with her. (RIGHT that’s exactly what “just friends” say to each other)
Now what? End it? Take a time out/break? Keep on going and wait for him to finally just get tired of the insecurities or maybe she will leave her husband then he will leave me.
I know “everyone” says “kick him to the curb” I can’t talk to my family or friends about it because I know they would say the same thing (I would tell my own friends the same thing). I think his own friends would tell him “don’t fuck this up” but he feeds them the bullshit about “we are JUST FRIENDS”. They don’t know what he and her have said to each other, the conversations. Nobody in a committed relationship would be ok with those things being said to someone else.
All I know is if you keep doing what you’re doing, you will keep getting what you’ve got….. and I can’t take much more of this.
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