Just to be clear, this isn't my first time blogging. I started my blog about 4 years ago, in the face of infertility. I had no idea where I was heading at that point, but I knew that I needed an outlet for the myriad of emotions that were constantly running through my brain. After failed chlomid, IUI, and IVF, my blog became my solice, a place that I could be truely honest with myself. Fast forward four years, and my life has drastically changed. About 8 months ago, I realized I had enough, and left my husband. I left my home, my furry babies, my job, my life , and started all over again. I moved home to my parents, got 2 jobs, and laid the groundwork for what I am hoping will turn out to be my future.
In the midst of all this change, my blog became my sanity. It was the place I went to for honesty. Where I knew I couldn't lie about how I felt, to myself or my readers. I emptied my soul into the words, and found my first inkling of peace, after so much turmoil in the last years of my marriage. I found for the first time I could admit to the severe emotional and verbal abuse the plauged my marriage, pretty much from the get go. I haven't exorcised all of the demons of my former relationship, but I've let enough go, that I've started finding myself again. I have shared those blogs with my friends and family, and on facebook, recieving moral support in the form of comments, and messages. Until recently.
About two months ago, I posted a blog, setting it up in the format of an open letter to my soon to be ex husband. I laid out, in brutal honesty, everything that I felt the entire time we were married. All of the negative emotions, the anger, the sadness, the fear, and the crushing of my self esteem. Needless to say he wasn't happy. He threatened to take my car (which he can't do) , to blackmail me with "private" pictures taken before our marriage, and with never allowing me to see our furry babies again. He called me nasty names, and said horrible things to me. But in the midst of his attack, I felt stronger, knowing that my blog still stood, and he couldn't make me take it down.
Last night, I took my blog down. I was blogging on another site, and I had to check daily for comments, because they didn't email when comments were posted. The comment I found basically stated what a horrible person I was, how I deserved what I got, and that I needed to figure out how to keep a man happy before I ruined some other guy's life. It also went on to say that I deserved "a swift kick in the teeth" and that it would only be too fitting If I took a bullet to the head. I was disgusted by reading this comment, and I felt fear. I still do. I can't believe that anyone would feel this way about another person. And even though I think I know who posted the comment, I can't prove it, as it was posted under the name of "anonymous".
Two weeks ago, I posted a blog about a dream that I had. Long story short, I dreamed that my soon to be ex and I were in a standoff, him pointing a gun at me, and me pointing one at my own head. The police, and my ex, told me I had a choice to make, and asked what I was going to do. In the dream, a gun went off, and the dream went black. I don't know who pulled the trigger. A few days after blogging, I spoke to my ex on the phone, under the guise of working out our divorce filing. He told me that he and his girlfriend both read my blog, and by the way, did I know he just went out and got a gun? Isn't that a coincidence?
This brings me to my present state of mind. If my suspicions are true, and it was my ex who posted the comment, then I have every reason to be afraid. As he has lost control of me, his anger gets worse, and his grip on reality loosens. I do worry that he will snap, and something bad will happen. But when? While Im at work, with my co workers? While I'm home with my family? While I'm out with my nieces? This just isn't a chance I can take. So I closed down my current blog, and moved here. I need somewhere I can speak my mind, and find comfort in the comments of others. This is the only way I know I'm still on the right path. But I've become anonymous, and will remain that way. No identifying items will be posted on my page, in fear that I will be found again. Anoynimity is the only thing that protects my voice.
And without it, I will be silenced
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