6 years ago

So I find in watching all of these fashion shows on t.v., that I really, really like the free spirited gay men who are gorgeously attractive, stylish, and interesting (not the overly flamboyant types… but pretty anyhow).  It’s a weird, but legitimate attraction that makes me wonder…. If I like such a womanish type of dude…. Does that mean that I’m actually attracted o feminine qualities, and as a result… gay myself? Or am I attracted to what I see as a reflection of myself, and in that case just narcissistic?


I write this after watching The Fashion Show with the robotically dramatic Iman, and the super sweet Black dude just won, weedling the contestants down to the final four. He cried, and I was swooning for him, wanting to hug and hold him. Feeling a sort of undefinable attraction that made me think. Am I really attracted to certain feminine qualities? And does my attraction lie in the fact that these are manifested through men, and therefore pleases the acceptable image of candidate that I have been inundated with since birth? Like an actual woman would be too much? But a man exhibiting the same qualities is okay? Except he turns out to be gay or in the closet? Am I actually attracting gay men this whole time accidentally and that’s what the problem is?


After more than half of my encounters with men, I am left wondering about their sexuality. My friends are the same. My beautiful friends whom I love and admire. In thinking about them, I don’t have a single friend that I’m not attracted to. Who I don’t think is absolutely gorgeous, smart and stunning. Does this make me gay? Well, if the question is purely sexual, I’m as heterosexual as f*kin power drills and Barbie dolls. But when it comes to greater qualities of attraction, maybe I’m as gay as a basket of berries at Disneyland… What defines attraction anyway? The closeness I have found in my circle of friends has outmatched the intimacy I have ever found in a romantic relationship.


And return for a moment to sheer attraction. Consider… all the pop boys who teenage girls die for. As an adult watching I’m like, “Hello?! They’re raving homos!” But the naiveté of youth simply overlooks this. The teenage girls are attracted to the boys who look like… teenage girls. Are we all narcissists? It makes me wonder about the concept of femme gays or butch lesbians being attracted to one another. If you’re a gay man, wouldn’t you be attracted to something manly? And if you’re a lesbian, wouldn’t you want a girly girl? Why be a lesbian and go for the guy-like girl? If you’re going to go for the guy, you might as well have the best part…


But if I’m a female and a fag hag, am I really just an unknowing gay myself? Is it my masculine qualities creating some sort of balanced relationship with gay men? Or what? And is my growing disdain for actual men causing me to consider such things? Or are such things causing me to actually consider my growing disdain for men?




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