“Underneath anger is YOUR pain.” -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler from On Grief and Grieving
Now before you get excited, this post is not about making angry, mad, passionate love, haha. My last post left me standing strong as I shake off the old skin of denial. When that old skin is shaken off, the only thing I am left with is this new realization that I have to find some way to be happy and content with my life the way it is currently without a mate or a partner. I don’t know what will happen in the future, I can’t live for what happened in the past. So I am here today, living in the present, in this new skin. And in this moment, I have an unfulfilled dream.
And this pisses me off.
It is no secret that I have issues with expressing anger. Or at least issues with expressing anger in healthy ways. So how can I healthily express anger about not being able to find an acceptable mate, without sounding like a brat?
Who says I have to?
So I will stop trying to sound a certain way, and just let it out.
Beware. I will unleash [embrace] my inner brat [child] in this post.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that I have this strong, overwhelming desire in my heart to share myself with someone right now.
But it is obvious that this is not the right time. But when the hell will the right time be? A friend of mine joked with me once as she struggled with the same issues:
Okay, it’s obvious my number hasn’t been called for the man thing yet. But I would just like to know when my number will be called. I mean, so if my Higher Power is bringing a mate to the girl whose number is 425, I want to know if my number is 430, or if I am number 1,628, so that I can relax until my number is called.
And then, what makes me mad, is if it’s not my time, why plant the desire inside of me so strongly? Why not take the desire away until my number is called? To me, that makes more sense.
You know what else makes me mad about this single thing?
Advice. Advice from well-meaning, yet attached or married friends. If you are married with 2 kids, or already married and divorced, please don’t come to me with advice on how you had a “dry season” of about 2 months, so you know what it’s like to be 35 (almost 36) and single/never married. Come to me if you have a dry season of 2 years or more, and then we will talk.
Oh, and then that makes me think about people who get divorced, and then find their second husband faster than I can find a second date for the year. Seriously? How does this happen?
Oh and what about the person who has the perfect family, with the perfect kids, and only has perfect days that they post on Facebook. These are the kinds of people who spend months away from social networking, only to return with pictures from their perfect family vacation, or the new car that their perfect hubby bought them.
And then there’s my mama who lovingly reminds me that most of my female cousins are still unmarried. Pretty much 95% of them. It’s just something about the women in our family. So basically I’m genetically predisposed to being single or something. Are you serious mom? Weren’t you married twice??!!
Okay, so unleashing all of that anger felt good. But really, underneath all of that anger is fear and emotional pain. Fear that I will never find a mate, fear that I will never be really intimate with anyone, never find someone who will love me on a romantic level. A fear that no one will accept me with all of my imperfections. And emotional pain and loneliness about it all.
Another friend asked me once, so do you really think that God is not going to bring someone wonderful in your life? Do you really think you are going to be single forever?
The truth is, I didn’t have an answer for my friend. I don’t know what the future holds. All I can do is have faith that God sees the desires of my heart, and accept the Love that exists in my life right here and right now.