Conflicting Views

4 years ago
This article was written by a member of the SheKnows Community. It has not been edited, vetted or reviewed by our editorial staff, and any opinions expressed herein are the writer’s own.

This is a repost from my blog, Celibacy Diaries. 

The other day, I talked to a man, who had conflicting views about sex, compared to mine. I gave him my views, I listened to his. I haven't called him since. As soon as I told him, I was not having sex, his first question (which annoys me because I heard it before) was How are you going to satisfy your man, if you get into a relationship? I told him I would not. 


Some of his beliefs included:


  • God designed pre-marital sex for all of us to enjoy. 
  • A woman needs to satisfy her man in a relationship.
  • Foreplay (even heavy) is ok during abstinence or celibacy. 
I was like WTF? Yes God designed sex for marriage, not to be abused and misused. Told him that foreplay can light a fire, especially if the other is a former sex addict. You may think she is only having sex with you, but she calling up old sex partners and arranging trips. 
I chose to end the conversation quickly. Being with him would cause frustration, confusion, regret, and heartbreak. He wants sex. I don't. He may get it from somewhere else. OR He wants sex. I have sex with him. My old thoughts and mindset still pop up every now and then. The relationship is still over. 
Those old thoughts and mindset:
I told another dude, the other day about my old thoughts and mindsets. He still wanted sex.  Some of my twisted, rationalized views included:
  1. I never think about men, who I never slept with. It can cause expectations, then frustration because he did not live up to the fantasy. 
  2. Regular sex partners got precedence over potential new partners or those sporadic, every now and then sex partners. 
  3. Men, who performed certain acts, got precedence over everyone. I will cancel on whoever to get that type of pleasure. 
  4. If I wasn't into you, I might still have sex with you because we both was available. You will be a one-night stand. Nothing will change my mind on this. I will delete your name and number afterwards.
  5. Calling me days, months, years, later will not make me remember you. If I am not calling you and you are not calling me, then it was just sex. We didn't have a friendship or anything serious. Asking me Why haven't you called me opens you up for either sarcasm or open, blunt honesty, which you do not want depending on my mood. 
  6. Never ask how you was in bed. This opens up up for either sarcasm or open, blunt honesty, which you may or may not want. I will happily tell you if you are good or great. I will try to maintain a line of communication, just in case future sex occurs. If you are bad or just average, see number 4. 
  7. If you are having sex with me because you overheard something from someone else, I had sex with. Don't expect the same results. If he a good or great, regular penis, then I am performing better. When you do what he do, then you can get what he get. Now if I just wasn't into him for whatever reason, then his name and number are deleted. If I sleep with you, the same thing may happen. 
As you can tell, my views were interesting. Some people told me I thought like a man. I had a lot of sex. Lot of experiences, good and bad. My views changed as I got deeper and deeper into what I thought was seeking out pleasure, but too much of anything can become bad. Sex isn't just sex. It isn't just surface-level pleasure. Sex can affect you deeply. 
When you are sick, your sex buddy may or may not be there for you.
When you are in the hospital, those sex buddies are not calling checking on you. 
When you want someone to talk to, calling a sex buddy may result only in sex. He may not be interested in hearing about your problems. 
Sex does not cure loneliness. I learned this the hard way. Kenny Pugh even discussed this on his Celibacy is Sexy chat the other day.