I was scared, afraid & petrified but I went. Before I went, I prayed that God would help me say what needed to be said and to keep quiet when it was appropriate. I asked Him to help me listen without being able to be upset unnecessarily. I asked him to help me not cause him any harm or trigger any of his addictions by what I might say or do.
We met at a store I love to visit and we hugged briefly. He looked good. A little heavier than the last time I had seen him so I felt better about my new curves. It is so weird for me because it is like no time has passed and he has simply been gone on one of his visitation trips and has returned home. But I remind myself things are different and I may like what I learn. We exchanged plesantries and walked around the store. He invited me to go eat at a Japanese restaurant so we did. Dinner was nice but mainly light conversation. I wondered what he wanted from me? Why was he here? It was late and he asked me to go to his hotel to talk where it was more private. We bought a bottle of red wine from the restaurant since everything else was closed. These are the kind of things "We" did before. Before all the bad, before all the hateful words were spewed, before he left. Finally when two hotel coffee cups were filled he says, "what should we toast to?" I said I didn't know. So he says "heres to the woman I will always love." I could drink to that because even with everything that had happened I believed it was true. People can love people they can't be with afterall. I am proof of that for sure. He asks, "what happened to us?" So our real conversation finally started. It was about 11:00 at night and we talked for hours. We really talked. Now we had had this conversation before but I think it was falling on fresh ears. His heart had before been buried in an addiction that he wasn't aware of or to which he couldn't admit. But now, free from that denial he seemed different, more receptive to how difficult it was for me to stay. He still couldn't understand my wanting the divorce and insisted that he "tried." I objected and said from my side it didn't look like he tired at all that he just did the obligatory call and asked..."is there any way to save this?" We talked through all this with examples of why each of us believed the way we did. How we came to the identical conclusion that the other person just didn't want to be in the marriage anymore because of how we acted. I didn't show my emotions to him at the time because I retreated into my shell and withdrew. The only safe emotion to show him was rage and anger which I had no problem showing. He believed I was just done and no longer cared.
It was so late/early I stayed with him. I hesitated when he touched me and told him I didn't think I could do that. I feared it would just be to hard again when he left me alone again. He understood. He said he just wanted to hold me. He did for a bit. My heart so very much wanted to be with him again. I started to fear that I may not ever have the chance to do so with his health is declining and in that moment I changed my mind. Right or wrong, I'd just have to figure that one out later.
This whole time I have held to the idea that I am not free from my vows. That either we would reconcile or I would wait for his illness to take his life before I would ever move on to another relationship. No one has been able to convince me I am wrong. I still hold that belief. So we spent the weekend together. Saw a movie, ate, walked around stores. The movie we watched was "The Grudge Match." I think God even helped pick our movie. It was so funny with a message that was timely for us.
It was our last night together and while we had talked about a lot of things there were still many things left unsaid. We shared ourselves with each other and fell asleep. He rolled over and turned away from me, which never happened. After a bit I awoke with my heart begging me to ask him some questions. So I woke him up and asked if we could talk. If he was awake enough for me to ask him some questions? After all it was only 2:49 in the morning. He turned back and put his arm around me and said yes. I started with asking if any of his family had wanted him to try and come back and work things out with me. He explained that yes some of them did but some of them got stuck in the hurt and anger they saw him go through. We talked more and more and more. I was able to see things from his side. I think he saw mine too. He kept reverting to the idea that I ended our marriage. I told him or rather I asked him to give me the grace he wanted me to give him about how our marriage ended. By that I explained that he wanted me to look back and read between the lines and take the addiction into account to understand his point of view and how her percieved everything. I asked him to do the same for me. To try and see what it was like to live with someone behaving unacceptably and try to stay. Then to make the decison based on the best information I had to leave to protect myself and my two children. I think he was able to start doing that.
We were seeing a non Christian counselor at the time. She did not hold marriage in the same sanctity as we did. She advised me that he showed no indication of changing and that we were really just a square peg and a round hole. She said he was missing his appointments but because of her ethical stand we did not discuss his separate therapy directly. Basically she left me with the conclusion there was no hope for us. I mistakenly listened. I filed for the divorce and told him the square peg quote. All the while he was seeing her telling her of his struggles with the gambling compulsion and pornography she would tell him that while that was not her area of expertise if he thought he had a problem she would find him a place to go. She never helped him work through the steps to discover if it was a problem or addiction. She hammered him with the idea that I had the "Right" to be upset with him by how he was acting. Like he was simply choosing it. While I did have many reasons to be upset with him, had I known there was a true addiction and an illness that causes it with treatments we may have been able to save it without the divorce. I don't know though. He was to angry and blaming me at the time and I was to unwilling to listen. The fact is we listened to the wrong people, were not able to really talk to each other and listen clearly, and we let the devil steal our marriage.
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